Who Were You Before kids?
By: Keith
I hear a lot of people say that once they had kids their lives changed dramatically. They talk about how their priorities changed and how things suddenly became much harder – time, money, sleep. Occasional I even hear people say what a mistake they think they made by having a family, that they would have more freedom and resources without one. I suppose it’s all true depending on your perspective. Things did change when we had our first kid. Everything changed, everything except what I wanted and expected out of life. Because, honestly, I was starting to get a little confused before my family became solidified. Yes, I had free time and yes, I had more money. But I’ve known what I’ve wanted out of life since somewhere midway through high school; the only catch had been how to achieve it. Up until Neil I wasn’t sure if I was doing it right. But, then he showed up, and I knew that although I had screwed up some fairly important details of my life, I hadn’t messed up the most important one of all – having a family who cares about me and who I can devote myself to.
Woulda Coulda Shoulda:
Life is a straight line. You make choices along the way, and those choices have outcomes that you’ve got to accept and live with. The inevitability of consequences though is more than some people can live with. They talk about how things could have been in a way that transcends whimsical pondering; it’s as if they’re straining to live in that alternate reality, ignoring the fact that they wreck the only real life they’ve got by trying to live somewhere else. I could have applied myself in school more and become a hot shot something or other. I didn’t. I could have trained harder at my running and gone to the Olympics. I didn’t. I could have stayed single and had all the freedom I could handle. I chose not to, and now I’m going to stick with it because that’s life, and I’d better enjoy it before it’s gone. My life is exactly what I made it, and I’m happy it’s turning out like it is. Any self improvement I need to make is now and in the future. There’s still time to be whoever I want to be, especially since that’s the only choice I have anyway.
Family: The Ties that Bind
Unlike most people, my family is more than legal relationships and blood. It includes biological relatives who were thought to be long gone and adoptive parents. It also includes people I’ve picked up along the way and who have become inextricably woven into my life. Legality, blood and familiarity are what make up my responsibilities. I have biological parents and adoptive parents who are both my family. I didn’t see my own sister for 30 years, and she is miraculously back in my life. My best friend has been with me for 22 years; I know him better than I know my biological family. I wouldn’t exclude either from my definition of family. My kids though will always be my top priority. They are what I’ve always wanted and they give me purpose. That’s just the way it is and that’s the way I like it. I don’t regret anything.
Who Was I?
Before I had kids I was the same person I am right now. I didn’t like going out before, and I still don’t. I’ve always been a little irresponsible with my money so nothing has changed there except I have less of it. I’ve always wanted a sports car but I’ve never had one; that’s still par for the course. To be honest, I don’t really care who I was before because I have a hard time remembering. I’m tempted to say I’m the same (I guess I already did), but even if that’s not entirely true, it’s pretty close. All I care about is who I am now and who my kids will become. My responsibilities stress me out, but they also make me happy. Reward takes sacrifice which is something I’ve learned better since having kids. If I wanted a life of comfort, without worries, I could have had it. There just wouldn’t have been reward.
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Excellent post Keith. I am pretty much the same person now, but more settled and happy. Oh, and sore and tired too.
.-= Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog ..Should I be a Bigger Person? =-.
LIAYF: That’s something parenting does too. The soreness seems to be permanent these days!
I’m still the same person I’ve always been, though my perspective on a few issues have changed slightly. I think the people who are unhappy that they’ve had a family are being disingenuous. They are probably the types that would be unhappy no matter where they are in their lives. Rather than embrace the moment and the opportunities they have, they’d rather complain. Have I made mistakes? Yes. Have I wasted money? Yes. Are there decisions I’d like to take back? Absolutely. Despite all that I wouldn’t change a thing, because it has made me who I am and hopefully wiser for the experience.
.-= PJ Mullen´s last blog ..#parenting #fail #wordlesswednesday =-.
PJ: I think I’m pretty much the same too. Although I’ve seen areas where I’m more sympathetic about some issues. I’m slightly more liberal now than I was, and I attribute that to parenthood (but I’m not totally sure why). Hmmm, it’s all very interesting
I never thought I’d be that much different before kids. But after my daughter was born I changed in ways I never though imaginable. I guess it depends on your background. My daughtger rocked my world though.
.-= Papa K´s last blog ..The Hangover: Pre-Papa K Style (Part 2) =-.
PapaK: I think it all depends. I don’t think I changed, but maybe I changed more than I thought. I’m probably more responsible now, that’s one thing. You’re right though. It has a lot to do with personal background.
Thought provoking article Keith. I don’t see where change is not possible. We lived up to that point thinking mainly of ourselves only to shift gears onto someone else. Our lives of freedom sometimes whisper to us whether it be to sleep in or flake off but must be denied else guilt will have it’s way. There is a fair amount of losing oneself to parenting and the trick is to regain it once they’ve grown. When they reach the stage of fashionable victimhood you can’t help but question your original act of birthing but then they mature and become parents themselves and a wonderful friendship ensues that is priceless. Parenting is not all fun and games nor painful imprisonment but rather an adventure that not everyone chooses to take. My bottom line is it was worth it.
Mom: Correct. We might have the urges to do other things sometimes, but the fact is that we’re happier knowing our responsibilities have payoff in the future. Once they’re all grown up and on their own, then it’s time for reflection.
I’m pretty much the same guy, except I don’t really worry about what other people think anymore. I am who I am and I do what I think is best for my family.
.-= Daddy Forever´s last blog ..RingCentral Mobile Hosted Phone System =-.