Almighty Dad | A stay at home dad blog

If it were up to me I’d never want to kick my kids out.  I tell them all the time how I’d like to stay with them for as long as I’m alive.  Unfortunately, as much as I don’t like to admit it, that’s not good for them.  At some point they’ll strike out on their own and become fully functioning, independent adults.  I can stay close to them and perhaps move to the same city to be near them; but, in the end, they’ll have their own families, and my role will change.  I won’t be provider and teacher anymore.  My role will change to one of emotional supporter and safety net.  I’m happy to play that part because it’s still an important one.  What do you do though if your kid doesn’t get that catalytic spark they supposed to get?  What if they linger around into their mid 20′s without ambition?  Well, that’s when your last act as educator in chief becomes somewhat unpleasant.  You pick them up by the seat of their pants, aim them at the closest opportunity and give them a good swift kick in the butt.  They’ll thank you later.   

Will they Thank you Later?   

You bet they will!  I didn’t need much motivating to get out of my house when I was younger.  Nevertheless, I still needed reminding, on occasion, that I was actually on my own, like the time I called asking my dad for money for a new car.  When I left home for good, he gave me his old Volkswagen van as a starter.  Naturally, I wanted something that went over 55 mph and didn’t need servicing every 300 miles.  But, necessity and want are two totally separate things, and my dad understood it and taught me the meaning of it, too.  I’m more grateful for that lesson than I ever could have been for a new car that I didn’t earn.  I wasn’t sent into the big world empty handed.  I got married at 22 and was given some money and that Volkswagen.  The rest was up to me. I’m going to do that for my boys too when the time comes, and they will most certainly thank me.   

What if they Come Crawling Back?   

I would not be able to say no to my kids if they came back to me.  After all, I’m their emotional support and safety net.  If they get in trouble, I’ll be here for them.  If they have financial problems, I’ll be here for them to give them advice and enough fuel to take off again.  Will they be unmotivated slackers who cling to me instead of taking risks?  No, I don’t think so.  Risk is directly proportional to the resources available to engage in risk.  Thus, my goal now is to teach them the rewards of smart risk and to supply them with the ability to engage in those risks.  They see me fly by the seat of my pants and how that sometimes works out and how sometimes doesn’t.  I’m a living lesson of both what works and what doesn’t.  If they learn that lesson properly then I’ll be more than happy to support them when they ask for 40,000 dollars, say, to start a new business.  That’s called learning.  And what if they become listless and complacent instead of industrious risk takers?  I’d hate to do it, but I’d need to be tough on them in that case.   

Motivation   

The number one goal of all parents should be to crank the metaphorical spring inside their kids so that, when the winding is done, the peg can be released, and said child can release all that potential energy converting it directly to kinetic, tire to the pavement energy (that’s science).  If I fail to teach them self motivation then I might be in for a rough ride when they get older.  I’ve seen kids move back in with their bemused parents and stay there for years.  Parents, lacking the willpower to cause suffering, allow it to happen.  Sure it’ll stunt growth.  Sure the kid will lose all useful function to society, and their parents will have spent all those years parenting for nothing.  They still can’t say no.  The consequences for failure are so great that parents simply can’t admit to themselves that their kids have turned into rotten little turds.  The only advice I have is to motivate your kids now so you don’t find yourself having to kick them out on their asses later.   

Parents who say to their kids “When you’re 18 you’re on your own” miss the point of parenting.  Being a parent doesn’t end when your kids reach adulthood, it simply changes shape.  It’s more helpful to say “When you’re 18 you’ll be on your own, but I’ll always be here to support you when you fail.”  If you’ve done your job right, they won’t take that as an invitation to freeload.  Instead they’ll see it as freedom to take smart risks and keep climbing on their own power.  Having grown kids is nothing more than a switch of roles, not a release from parenting.  I don’t ever want to say no to my boys, and I hope I’m teaching them in a way that will prevent me from having to; but, if the day comes that it’s better to say no than to destroy their lives, I will.

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1. Kids Change: Keep Up Or Get Left Behind