Preparing for a Sibling
By: Keith
The fertility rate in the United States is steady at 2.1 kids per woman (it’s slightly higher among immigrants though). That’s at replacement level. However, women in the poor countries of Guinea-Bissau and Liberia can expect to have between 7 and 8 children in a lifetime. There are a lot of factors that go into determining the number of kids a woman is going to have in her life, but two of the biggest are education and financial stability. Educated people don’t generally have kids unless they can afford them and can care for their psychological needs. When financially stable, educated people think of having additional kids one of their first considerations is how the new baby is going to impact his older siblings. In countries where just surviving is an accomplishment, asking if older children feel neglected after the birth of a brother or sister is an absurd waste of time. Death rates in some of these high birthrate poor countries are ridiculously high. Mothers simply cannot afford to get as attached to their children as mothers do who live in countries where the chance of losing a baby is slim. Worrying about sibling rivalries is the least of their problems. Birth rates and death rates are tightly correlated with economic freedom and education. We, in developed countries, have the luxury of pouring ourselves into questions of child psychology while women in poor countries spend all day thinking about how to feed 8 kids. On first glance it might seem like psychological questions of this nature are trivial. They aren’t; we just have the luxury to consider them whereas many people, to their societal detriment, don’t.
Sibling Rivalry and Preparing the Family
The University of Michigan has a comprehensive and well researched guide to preparing young children for new babies. For anybody who is going to have a new baby or who has recently had a baby and wants to know how to introduce the baby to siblings, here is the link. I read it and immediately realized that a lot more goes into preparing kids for new brothers and sisters than I initially thought. But, wait, I have two kids. Why didn’t I have to go through any of this stuff in preparation? Our family had few sibling rivalry issues, and I don’t recall even thinking about the possibility of strife. In fact, Neil seemed completely unconcerned about Alan’s arrival. Why? Well, according to the University of Michigan “Children with the closest relationships with their mothers show the most upset after the baby is born.” “Children with a close relationship with their father seem to adjust better.” Grammar aside, that may explain why we avoided a lot of the most typical jealousy problems that other families face. But, I have another theory. This is a quote from the above mentioned link:
“… Imagine that your partner puts an arm around you and says, ‘Honey, I love you so much, and you’re so wonderful that I’ve decided to have another wife (or husband or partner) just like you.’ When the new wife (or husband or partner) finally arrives, you see that (s)he’s very young and kind of cute. When the three of you are out together, people say hello to you politely, but exclaim ecstatically over the newcomer. ‘Isn’t (s)he adorable! Hello sweetheart… You are precious!’ Then they turn to you and ask, ‘How do you like the new wife (or husband or partner)?’…”
We Don’t get Out Much
Our family is tightly knit. We don’t socialize much and we mostly keep to ourselves. The above quote is an attempt to help parents imagine what a new sibling is like from a kid’s perspective. It’s a good analogy, too, because it seems that might be exactly what kids think of their new brothers and sister. But, a good part of that comparison relies on opinions and interaction with outsiders. We don’t have anybody around, except ourselves, who would say “Isn’t (s)he adorable! Hello Sweetheart… You are precious!” Neil probably never knew he should have been jealous because he never had to deal with being ignored by our (imaginary) social circle. As far as Neil knew (he was 1 ½ at the time), for a while at least, Alan was nothing more than a new pet and curiosity. When it did finally click that he had a rival, their bond was strong enough to prevent any serious conflict. Neil did spend a month, or maybe two, regressing and trying to act like a baby, but that didn’t happen until he was 4 or 5 and it happened more because he missed being treated like a baby than any rivalry he felt with Alan.
Sibling rivalry and new baby jealousy are real concerns for parents. We deal with typical sibling rivalry issues around our house every day. The boys fight, and they complain when they feel the other gets preferential treatment. But, in terms of the immediate jealous suspicion with which a lot of older kids view their baby brothers and sisters — we didn’t experience it. My theory is that our family is an island unto itself, and Neil would only have known he should have been jealous if someone had reminded him he had a reason to be. Now, though, I find that it might also have had something to do with the strong bond the boys and I share relative to that which they have with Mely, which is still strong of course but not as lopsided as most families where kids don’t get as much interaction with their fathers. Whatever the reasons for my luck in the matter, if you’re having problems and need some good advice, visit the link I provided above and read what the experts say.
Related posts:
You and Mely aren’t trying to tell us something, are you?
Empowering and educating women clears up a LOT of societal problems. Take a look also at : http://www.girleffect.org/
Beth: HAHA! No. As much as I’d like to have a third, I think we’re done. That’s a pretty dramatic girl video there. I think education, regardless of gender is vitally important. A girl who becomes educated without a correspondingly educated boy still leaves half the problem in place. I see it as a general societal problem rather than a problem that men have created and women should fix.
nah, if you go for three you should make it for. Or at least that is what people keep telling me.
.-= Jack´s last blog ..For the Love of the Game and Learning How To Get Along =-.
Jack: That’s what my sister says. She has three now and she figures she might as well make it 4. I’m totally in favor of more, but Mely, hmmmm, isn’t
I didn’t get a chance to read the study, but when my wife was pregnant with out daughter I gave preparing my son its due consideration. Personally, I think too much of it is being made, which may be why it is turning into a problem. We talked about the baby, how he was going to have a baby sister and showed him the things we bought for her – like baby gear and a crib. We did have one book we read to him about being a big brother, but that was about it. My concerns were more of making sure he understood he was still important to us once she was here. We didn’t change his daily routine and I took him to his first baseball game, as well as went to the park with just him. Writing all that out now makes me feel like I might have done too much
.-= PJ Mullen´s last blog ..Toddler Haute Cuisine =-.
PJ: Yes! I remember that post you did about the first baseball game. Good times!