Losing Friends in a Move
By: Keith
Most friendships are temporary, and most friendships for little kids are especially temporary. According to my handy dandy childhood psychology book here (which was given to me, coincidentally, by my best friend 18 years ago), kids won’t start understanding the true nature of friendship until their teenage years. Up to that point friends are defined as nothing more than people who they get along with at any given moment. A friend, in other words, is a person they like because that person makes them happy. Somewhere around age 9 kids begin to understand the nature of friendship as having to do with being reciprocal, “you do something for me, I do something for you.” Still, it isn’t until much later that kids are able to see past certain dissimilarities and maintain those friends through mutual cooperation and respect. Thus, making and losing friends seems to be a long learning process. It’s certainly sad to lose a playmate when you’re a kid, but it’s perfectly natural.
When the Neighbors Move Away
Our neighbors moved away yesterday. They decided they were going to move to San Diego, and now they’re gone, poof, just like that. They had 3 kids, 1 of whom my boys played with almost daily. Yesterday, after the move, I saw Neil was looking a little down in the dumps. He told me he was sad because his friend moved away. That’s pretty normal and understandable. I decided the best course of action was not to try to sugar coat it. I told him he was probably never going to see them again and that it’s common for people to come and go in our lives. I reminded him of all the times we’ve moved, and I told him about the moves I made as a kid and how I lost whole groups of friends every few years. Fortunately, while most are lost, some will endure. There isn’t much to do about it. Like my childhood psychology book says, making and losing friends is a learning experience, and sometimes it sucks to learn (it doesn’t say that; I added that part).
Talking about it is the only thing we can really do that’s helpful. It’s one of those experiences in life that’s going to happen repeatedly. It’s better to talk about it and move on. The one helpful reminder I gave Neil was that at least his brother, mother and I weren’t going anywhere. I’m not sure if that made him feel much better.
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Having a Dad in the Military we moved every 4 years. Its tough! But you’re right! You can’t sugarcoat it. But you can understand and, like you did, let them talk it through. We can’t protect our kids from life, unfortunately, but we can prepare them to stand against it… facing forward.
.-= Spuds´s last blog ..The Best Meal and Slap On the Ass! =-.
There is a little bit more to do than just talk about it. I walked my kids through numerous losses of friends from 20 years in the military.
For next time, plan in advance for special days with the moving child. Take lots of pictures and print them out. Let the kids create books for each other, to each other, in each other’s company. Don’t stress neatness, but rather content: pictures, dried flowers (or in my son’s case, bugs), tickets, parts cut out of McDonald’s Happy Meals, things the child and his/her friend write to each other like “what I like about you,” “what I think you’ll grow up to be,” or “what color hair I think your new friend will have.” The best part for my kids was an exchange wherein they and their friend gave each other something special to keep forever. It could be a store bought gift, but more often for my kids it was an action figure or other toy, trading card, wall poster or book.
My kids called their books, “Goodbye Until Next Time” with their name and their friend’s name on the cover. Now that they’re grown, my kids have found some of those same friends via Facebook. Each of my 3 kids have about 10 of these books. The pictures they share with their old friends are special. A bit of salve for an old wound, as it were.
This was especially helpful when my kids were the ones who had left and moved into a new school in a new city, state or country. They had the books to share with potential new friends; a way for the new friend to get to know them.
Diana: Talking about it has worked for the 5 moves we’ve had in the last 6 years. This is just the first time that a friend has moved away before we did. So, same thing but from a different perspective. It was new for Neil. Losing people is just a fact of life.
When your good friends move, you can either see them go or move with them!
.-= Dennis Yu´s last blog ..Facebook deals a MASSIVE blow to small business =-.
Dennis: Well, you would know all about that
for the first 10 years you followed me around everywhere. Now the tables are turned and I’m following you around!
My parents still live in the house they brought me home from the hospital to, so I’ve never been the one who moved, but moving in my university days (every four months for five years) cost me some friendships along the way.
I agree with you, that it’s a part of life. People will come and go regularly… they will come to understand this as they progress through school and see new faces every year. It’s not easy, but then again, not many things are.
.-= SciFi Dad´s last blog ..The Sequel =-.
SciFi: That’s a rare thing these days, to stay in the same place so long. You’re quite lucky I think to have that stability growing up. You’re right, so many things in life are always in flux. Losing friends is just one of many things that will change in life.
not sure I buy idea true friendship doesn’t happen until the teen years – you certainly get plenty of foundation-laying for it in years prior. really appreciate your no-sugar-coating, honest approach with your son. a great precedent and oddly counter-cultural in our chin-up, be happy, look on the bright side world. thanks.
Stefan: I too remember people from my pre-teen years who I consider true friends. I guess we can make real friends without having developed the synapses to appreciate more adult friendships. Perhaps it’s simply a level of maturity that the psychologists are talking about. Anyway, that’s a good point. And, yes, I’m with you — I definitely don’t want to be mean to the boys, but there’s no sense in making everything unicorns and puppy dogs if that’s not how it is