How did you become a Stay at Home Dad?
By: Keith
Recently I’ve gotten a few obnoxious e-mails from Redbook magazine. They’re collecting stories about stay at home dads who became stay at home dads after first being working dads, then switching places with their wives, and finally, who are now considering going back to work (or something like that). In any case, the criteria for a submission does not apply to me. I wrote back to them twice, first politely saying it didn’t apply to me but that I’d be happy to let them know my story. Then I had to tell them to shove off when I got the same e-mail a second time (clearly a form letter). My annoyance with Redbook aside, it got me thinking of all the varied ways that we became stay at home dads. Redbook wanted a specific kind of stay at home dad which I am not. Being a stay at home dad because of losing a job or, otherwise, simply for experimentation is completely legitimate, but I think it’s been overdone by the media. We all have unique stories to tell. Being a stay at home dad is not always done grudgingly. Some of us, like me, do it because it’s what we’ve always wanted to do. I wasn’t forced into this role; I do it because it makes me happy.
My Story: The Short Version
8 Years ago I owned and operated a martial arts academy in Texas, and Mely worked at American Airlines. When she had Neil and was on maternity leave, we decided it would be best if she just didn’t go back to work at all. Instead we began working together to run the academy. We had fun for almost two years together. During those two years Alan, our second, came along. Our family complete, Mely taught a cardio kickboxing class and I was the Tae Kwon Do instructor and oversaw the Muay Thai classes. When one of us was working the other would take care of the kids. But, then, because I’m not such a great business person, we ran out of money and had to sell the academy. That left us both unemployed. After several months of unemployment Mely went to work and I became a permanent stay at home dad. Alan was just 3 months old and Neil was 21 months old at the time.
Why Did I Stay at Home?
Two reasons. First, I’m good at it; I want to be a stay at home dad. I’ve always wanted to be at home taking care of the kids. I worked a few standard analyst jobs before Neil and Alan, and it wasn’t for me. I don’t take orders and rules well, and my coworkers, in my mind, were a bunch on incompetents. The office was torture for me. My passion has always been education. However, I worked for a year and a half as a teacher in the DISD and that was just as bad as an office thanks to the bureaucracy. The second reason for me to stay at home is that Mely is more employable. She’s a lawyer and a construction project manager. She works well with others and doesn’t mind suffering fools. Damn it, people like her, and she likes people! The bottom line here is that the traditional stereotypes about men and women did not, nor do they, apply to us. I’m the nurturing one in our family. It’s just the way it turned out. Once we accepted it, everything seems to have fallen into place. I get to do what I’m good at, and we’re all, apart from typical familiar snags, happy with the arrangement.
Just Like Stay at Home Moms:
Soon, hopefully soon, being a stay at home dad will be as accepted as being a stay at home mom. I understand how, at least for now, people like me can get questioned about our manliness and authenticity. I understand because stay at home dads are still a bit of a novelty. But, as more and more men accept who they are and aren’t afraid to say they like building forts, cooking meals and dragging the kids to the mall, being a stay at home dad won’t attract cockeyed looks. We’re weird simply because men and women, for the most part, don’t consciously sit down to contemplate their true natures. “Am I meant to be in an office?” or “Who says I have to be at home with the kids?” “Maybe I should talk to (insert spouse’s name) about it.” When more people take stock and accept who they are – we stay at home dads won’t be so strange. Until then though… . That’s just the way life goes.
Redbook isn’t wrong to ask for stories from men who were temporary stay at home dads. I said it before, there’s nothing wrong with that variety of dad. We do what we do so our families stay intact and we can have good lives. I wish, however, that we could hear the whole panoply of voices. It might give others a better idea of why we’re all doing what we’re doing. Someday we’ll be understood. Just not yet.
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Whatever they need to sell magazines, I guess. Look at the nonsense Marie Claire did with the title for the article that Steely Dad, Joeprah and I were interviewed for. Now we are fashion accessories. And I’m with you, my wife is much more employable.
.-= PJ Mullen´s last blog ..My work here is done =-.
I always thought it would be cool to be a stay at home dad, but never thought about it seriously.
I taught music and band in the Minnesota public schools for 8 years. I was burned out after teaching in north Minneapolis for 3 years, and decided to try to pursue a career in arts administration, with the support of my future wife. While getting married and building our future home (which I was the home owner/contractor) we decided to take in my father-in-law, who was unable to live on his own anymore. We had a baby in the meantime, so I continued working part time, while building our home, and continuing to take care of my father-in-law. His condition worsen, and home construction demanding more of my time, My ability to do my job diminished, and I left the position.
My wife’s father lived for several more months. We finished our home, and had a 2nd child, and I continued to stay at home, taking care of 2 babies and my father-in-law until he passed away. I spent several months trying to figure out what I wanted to do, until I finally decided to open a home child care. Which took another year to go through that process and finally opened 3 years ago. As my daughters are about to enter grade school in the next couple years, I am already envisioning what my next job… at this point I think I might go back to teaching, as I think these years of actually being a parent might make me more successful as a teacher than I was a few years ago.
It’s a gift, man. I couldn’t be a stay at home dad. I mean, I guess I could… but I would never choose to do so. I love my kids running up to me yelling “Daddy!!! Daddy!!!” after having not seen me all day WAY more than the yelling I hear when I’m with them all day.
So the fact that you choose this path AND enjoy it means you deserve a medal. I know you don’t think so but it’s not something that most men (I said MOST not all) don’t have.
.-= Que´s last blog ..Fool Me Once =-.
It is a very, very, very, very challenging job but very rewarding…. There are still stigmas associated wth it and people do not always understand or accept the fact that I stay home with our daughter.
.-= Ken Viva´s last blog ..Late Night Dancing Queen! PooPeeDoo!! Party- Party! =-.
I’m surprised anyone would make fun of someone who evidently knows martial arts. I would think that helps your cause a bit. That a heckuva lot more “manly” than anything I can do.
It is amazing how we have this strong desire to put people in buckets. When our first nanny got pregnant and we were searching for a new one, I seriously considered throwing it in and staying at home. No job is perfect, but helping your child through this incredible journey is pretty kick butt.
.-= DC Urban Dad´s last blog ..The Mini-Kamp is preparing me for all those Justin Bieber concerts in my future =-.
DCUrban: You’re right. After considering all the things I could be doing with myself, I couldn’t think of anything I thought would fulfill me the way being with the kids would. If course, If I needed to then I’d have to naturally go find a job. But, thankfully that hasn’t happened yet.
Hey Keith, thanks for writing this post and I’m gonna share it. I appreciate your story. My husband is a homeschooling SAHD because he wants to be. I work because I want to work (and probably I can earn more dough, too). It’s surprising to me that it’s not more common on the SAHD circuit, dads who wanted to and chose to be home from the get-go. Thanks.
.-= Marian´s last blog ..neapolitan =-.
Marian: You sound like my wife. She’s just better at making money than me and she actually likes it. Thanks for reading!
What caught me was the martial arts background. Psh!! Not manly enough? Throw that in their face! Works for me! Whoops I’m a stay-at-home-mom with a Muay Thai, kickboxing and mma background. Yay for crashing stereotypes! How’s that song go? Little boxes..(on the hillside..) My husband says he’d stay at home when he retires his 20 yrs from the AF, but then he spends a day with them and can’t handle it lol I school the kids too, and who cares what other ppl thinK? I only like to have it brought up so I can confront ppl on it. What can I say? I like to argue!
MommaKnows: Yeah!
Strangers get this funny look on their faces when I tell them I’m a stay at home dad who is also a martial artist. It’s like two competing bits of information and not enough brainpower to process them. So funny.
It was a choice made by my wife and I as well. Tania had always had a career path mapped out, loves her work and was doing it for more than just the financial rewards. I had only ever worked to bring money into the house and had no attachment to my job outside of that. So when we decided we wanted to avoid full-time childcare and have someone home with the kids it was an easy decision to make. If we’d been dictated to by traditional gender role stereotypes we’d both be miserable, have less cash and, mot likely, less contented kids.
It’ hard for some people (media mostly) to accept that men want to be home fulltime. That a conscious decision was made. That there was choice involved.The Dad forced into the role is more dramatic and media worthy.
I also notice the articles that then lead on to marital disharmony because the husband can’t handle the wife earning and the wife ‘looses respect’ for the husband and blah blah. It’s too easy and too boring and it would be good to see some other stories represented in mainstream media.
.-= Reservoir Dad´s last blog ..Mentally Sexy Chris =-.
Clint: That’s another big annoyance I didn’t mention — the medias preoccupation with the notion that SAHDs sow disharmony by being at home. You’d think the media, being all liberal and such, wouldn’t be so backwards when it comes to gender stereotypes.
Thanks for sharing your story Keith! I chose to be a SAHD after my wife was offered a great position and I was tired of doing IT work and programming. Since I was dissatisfied with my career, we decided I should take the opportunity to be with the kids full time, something that I knew I wouldn’t look back on at the end of my life and regret. It’s been an incredible, and sometimes frustrating, four years. I wouldn’t change it for anything. The cool part is my wife works from home, so we have a really dynamic (read: challenging) setup. Our kids used to ask why some people have to leave home to go to work. I do get tired of the snide comments and weird looks, but overall, it’s been a real pleasure and I think our family is better off for it. My sons new teacher asked the other day what I did when I was the only dad to show up for an orientation meeting and I simply replied that I was a trophy husband. The look on her face was priceless.
You know, Keith, I totally identify with you. Well, 95%, anyway. I find that I feel the same way about structured work settings. While I do like most people in general, I have a difficult time being patient with those that aren’t able to see a bigger picture. Don’t get me wrong, I still like ‘em, it’s just hard to work for them and with them.
I don’t know if I have what it takes to be a stay at home dad. I love the idea, but I wonder if I would have the energy to keep up with the kids. How do you do it?
Well done, well thought out. You could describe us pretty much the same way, except I’ve started also working from home for the time being, and my wife’s a teacher rather than a high-powered, high-income so-and-so.
I think maybe the whole “I was forced into this” idea may often be a cover in case of failure, and in case of manhood-questioning. So there may be more men than we all think who are at least willing to try taking over, and when they’re given the freedom to do things their own way, I’d like to think they succeed far more, and more often, than most people think.
.-= LiteralDan´s last blog ..Amusing searches- Vol 9 =-.
I am currently working towards being able to stay at home along with my girlfriend by way of an online business, Outside the box thinking is the best way to reach goals as the everyday 8-5 does not help in being able to enjoy time at home while everyone else is at work.
Hi iv been a Stay at home dad since my son was born:-) its been great developing the bond:-) I know the stigma is out there but I don’t hear or see it cause Im more interested in my son:-) The only thing I’d like to do is finish my electrical qualification! It would involve one more year at college and working for experience so every now and again I think is this the right thing to do cause I don’t want my son growing up wondering how come all his friends dads work n have nice cars etc! But other days when my son realises or undertands something new it makes it ALL Worth it:-) hope this helps?:-)
I am a stay at home dad in Tokyo Japan. There are special stereo types here. There are a few local play areas set up by the state of Tokyo. I go there usually 2 times a week and I am the only guy usually which makes me the outcast. On top of this I am a “gaijin” a foreigner and speak poor Japanese. Most at home moms , which is most married women, get together and go out for coffee or play times at there homes but of course I am not involved. I know one other guy who works but his schedule allows him morning time once a week to take his daughter to the play area. I don’t have a job and my wife is also more employable than I am. But she wants to be home with our daughter and work full-time. I struggle every day with procrastination, alienation, laziness, and failure. I just feel out of place. Somethings I am very good at concerning raising my daughter and I love her so much but I don’t feel especially good at home making. I want to work but I think it is only because I am not fulfilling some responsibility. Does anyone else go through these struggles?
Mark: I almost moved to Japan two years ago. I was studying Japanese, and I just got an urge to see what it was all about. A friend of mine lived there for 15 years, and he told me many of the same things you’re saying here. That stay at home dads have a tough time in Japan because of the stereotypes about who should be staying at home. In that respect, it appears, the Japanese are well behind in their thinking than Americans. To some degree I’ve gone through similar feelings, but from what my buddy has told me about Japan, you must be going through them on a completely different magnitude. I think my advice would be to just do your thing, ignore the idiots who don’t get it, and if the time ever comes that you feel like doing something else, do it. I’ve been a stay at home dad now for 7 years. Thankfully I have a bunch of supportive people around me. Good luck, Mark — I’m pulling for ya!