Almighty Dad | A stay at home dad blog

Home-Office Productivity Foiled by Parenthood

8 Written by Sean Polay on December 27, 2009 – 10:34 am

A guest post by Sean Polay from Commuter Daddy.

 

  

The wailing begins in the distance, and the crescendo kick starts with three successive jumps on the floor above.  That is immediately followed by stomping down the stairs as alligator tears flow and screams are pitched skyward.  An injustice has been endured, and the home-office worker is instantly transformed into an arbitrator.

 

Never mind that the arbitrator’s day job has an upcoming deadline.  Priorities must be shifted and the wrong must be reversed RIGHTNOW!

 

“Mason is being mean to me!” the arbitrator deciphers amid the cacophony.

 

“How is he being mean to you?”

 

“He… SOB… won’t… SNIFF… leave me… SOB… alone!”

 

The arbitrator and his beloved have just spent six figures and 9 months adding onto and renovating their home, not only to give themselves a first-floor, kid-free oasis but also to ensure each child may have their little slices of Eden.  In a blink, the arbitrator renders his ruling.

 

“If you want to be left alone, go to your room. That’s why you have a room to yourself — so you have someplace to go when you want to be left alone.”

 

Sensing no sympathy can be had in the arbitrator’s office, the complainant turns immediately on his heel and stomps up the stairs, the decrescendo punctuated by a 3.. 2.. 1.. SLAM of the bedroom door.

 

Peace is restored, not only because the 4-year-old will be left alone, but the tot also has fallen asleep.  Pennies from heaven!  Productivity may resume in the home office.

 

Success is fleeting, however.  Dinner preparations beckon.  The arbitrator must become a chef.

 

The chef, though, draws on extensive experience on how to buy back productivity.  Preheat the oven while prepping the meal, keeping it simple by dredging chicken tenders in breadcrumbs and throwing them into a baking dish.  Broccoli can be prepped and steamed after the chicken is ready.  The metallic clink of the oven door signals 45 minutes regained.

 

There’s a catch, though.  There’s always a catch.

 

Spies from upstairs report that the 4-year-old has locked his door, and the pinhole key cannot be located.  The chef must become a locksmith.

 

The locksmith’s first attempt fails.  Turns out a needle from a ball pump is a poor substitute for a pinhole key.  Same is true for a paper clip.  Try as he might, the locksmith cannot open the door.  Good thing his day job does not involve being a burglar.

 

Knock, knock, knock….  “Benjamin, open the door!”  The locksmith futilely pleads.

 

“Dad he’s asleep,” the 8-year-old apprentice reminds the locksmith.  ”He’s not going to hear you.  Why don’t we just leave him locked in his room?”

 

While it might come to that, the apprentice’s motivation has nothing to do with saving the master some work, and everything to do with ensuring less competition for attention the rest of the night.

 

“Because if there is an emergency, I can’t help him.” the locksmith absent-mindedly drones while trying to remember where he keeps seeing that pinhole key….

 

Eureka!  The bathroom!  The locksmith has seen that key every day — so much so that it was a blind spot in his memory.

 

The key is retrieved, and the door opens.  The child is in fact sleeping, and not playing some sort of prank on the parent.  That’s the good news.

 

The bad news is 45 minutes have evaporated.  The oven beeps.  Dinner is ready.  The locksmith must return to being chef, followed in succession by waiter and dishwasher.

 

Is it any wonder that the most productive time of the home-office worker’s day is after the children’s bedtime?

 

Read more interesting stories from the Commuter Daddy here.

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2. Home Alone: What is the Right Age?
3. How to Work Out from Home
4. Parenting Disasters
5. Losing One’s Self to Parenting
6. Poised Parenting: Teaching Responsibility
7. Milk Home Delivery