Almighty Dad | A stay at home dad blog

I told the boys last week that we would be going to a funeral very soon for their great-grandma because she is close to death.  The first thing Neil said was, “Yay! Vacation time!”  I smiled and laughed.  I guess, for a kid, a vacation is exactly what it is.  I thought maybe now would be a good opportunity to get their thoughts on video and, today, that is what I did.  By the way, I didn’t know that the act of teaching about death is called thanatology.  Now I do.  The boys have been to one other funeral in the last two years which was for their great-grandfather.  I was probably somewhat derelict in my duty as a parent for not having a discussion with them ahead of time about death.  All I said was that their great grandpa had died and that we were going to the funeral.  They had a lot of fun on vacation.  I’ve had the death talk with them since then.  I talked to them about our bodies wearing out and expiring.  I did not talk about God or the afterlife.

It never occurred to me until recently, and I started doing research, how differently kids view death.  First, they can’t wrap their heads around the idea of things coming to a permanent end.  They think dead Uncle Charlie is going to walk right back through the door after he wakes up from his nap, a scary proposition.  Because kids are so naïve about death we should take special care to be extra direct with them.  Being euphemistic may sound cute and seem like a good way to soften the blow.  In fact euphemisms do more harm than good.  Dispelling the taboo nature of death is also good for kids because they need to talk and express their emotions.  Teaching them to bottle up what is otherwise a perfectly natural event is weird; it causes kids to unnecessarily question their thoughts.  And, of course, as with all teaching involving kids – patience.

Finality

During my research into thanatology I discovered a few interesting tidbits about kids.  Young kids (under age 6) tend not to understand the concept of finality.  A parent may tell them that so and so died and that they aren’t coming back again, and the kid may understand that – temporarily.  Often times kids will come back a short time later and ask when so and so is coming over to play.  It is not a psychological problem or the kid being hard of hearing.  It’s that they don’t grasp the concept of finality.  Tell them as we might, until their brains mature to a certain point, they sometimes just don’t get it.  The recommended course of action is patience.  What else could it be?

Age Appropriate Responses

There are full documented psychological studies into the matter of how kids respond at certain ages to death.  Hospicenet.org has compiled an extensive guide for what responses to expect at certain ages.  It’s quite lengthy and very detailed.  It mainly deals with responses to deaths that hit very close to home like siblings or parents.  For anybody dealing with a wrenching experience like that, I suggest going to their website for some guidance.  One interesting response they mention for kids in the 3 to 6 age category is their inability to show sadness for longer than a few minutes at a time.  They keep flipping from happy to sad because their little brains can’t cope.  It’s an interesting read.

Euphemisms

Kids take everything quite literally until they get beyond about 6 years old.  The experts recommend being direct when discussing death.  Never, for instance, say that death is like going to sleep.  Kids will  be afraid to go to sleep.  Also, don’t refer to the departed as having gone away.  Kids assume then that anybody who leaves, say to go to the kitchen, may never come back.  The best method is to be completely truthful without the sugar coating.   We don’t lose people, they die.

Talking it Out

PBS and Mr. Rogers have some good advice too. They suggest encouraging kids to talk about their feelings and for parents to accept whatever they have to say without being squeamish or evasive.  Kids are, by their nature, curious.  Thoughts and words are closely related.  If we suggest that there are certain subjects that are off limits or not acceptable to talk about then kids will, very likely, think that their thoughts are also off limits.  For that reason talking can be cathartic.  It opens kids up to the notion that theire feelings are legitimate and that their parents want to listen. That, in turn, develops into a lifelong inner self awareness and psychological stability.

Parents: Get Over It

We are parents, and our responsibility is to our kids.  We should have learned how to deal with death in our youth.  Some people are overly emotional and don’t handle these things very well.  Get over it.  We’re adults, we have no excuse for falling apart in front of our kids.  There is nothing wrong with expressing sadness, of course.  But, if sadness turns to depression and neglect for our duties then that’s called bad parenting.  I have personally seen people who have a death happen close to home and who have completely fallen apart and turned their backs on their kids.  Is it too harsh to say that these people should have social services come for their kids?  Probably, but it’s the truth.  Kids don’t need parents who aren’t strong and who can’t stand up and put their feelings aside for the good of the children.  Kids deserve better than a parent who folds during crisis.

Death has not yet struck our family to the degree that would cause serious psychological damage to my kids.  We are fortunate.  But, eventually death comes knocking for everyone.  If it happens when kids are still very young it can be especially difficult.  We can’t forget that we are the supports for our kids, not the other way around.  We can express healthy sadness for the deceased, but when that sadness crosses over into selfish depression then our kids pay the consequence, and that’s unacceptable. Kids have undeveloped minds that need special care and guidance when coping with death.  They cannot rationalize something as permanent as death and , therefore, need a parent who is willing to do a little research to discover how best to help.  Hospicenet has professional advice that can be helpful for deaths close to home.  Dealing with death on a more distant level is what most of us have to do, and that requires a somewhat less delicate, yet no less relevant, response.  All thanatology (I love that word now) requires directness, a willingness to talk, and patience.

Related posts:

1. Talking about funerals