Damn, Kid – You’re Spoiled!
By: Keith
We aren’t rich, and the boys are used to being told no. But, ingratitude is a relative matter. It can happen at any income level. Let me explain. We have a pile of Starbucks gift cards. We go there several times a week in the evenings to get a coffee for us and a cookie and milk for the kids. While we relax at their outdoor tables, the boys play in the adjacent play area. It’s a nice family activity. However, yesterday, the gift card we had on hand only had a few dollars left on it. That meant everybody could have a drink but no cookie. Neil said something like “Can I have a doughnut instead of a cookie?” To which I replied, “Sorry, buddy, no cookie today, just milk.” Before I even had the chance to explain the gift card predicament, he started to whimper and got a look on his face like I’d just told him I have terminal cancer. “Seriously, Neil? Is a cookie that important to you?” And he said something like “It’s not fair!” Fair? That’s an interesting word to use. I wasn’t aware that Starbucks is now considered an inalienable right. It also never occurred to me that I have been buying him cookies because I think it would be unfair not to. I thought I was doing it because we all need to relax a little sometimes, and it’s fun. Well, time for a reassessment of values.
Quotidian displays of ingratitude are not going to happen in this house if I can help it. Oh, I can accept the occasional bad day (which may be what happened yesterday), waking up inexplicably cranky for instance, but I have also learned to recognize the tell tale signs of a deeper issue. Sometimes it just becomes obvious that I need to make a navigational correction. As inveterate as I can be, I have to know when it’s in everyone’s best interest to put the skids on my generosity. As with most parenting detours, the Starbucks meltdown is squarely my fault. It’s easy to assume that kids approach life like we do, that human beings intuitively understand how to let go material things. They don’t; it’s learned — usually the hard way. I’ve experienced the impermanence of good things. Therefore, my happiness does not derive from them; I simply enjoy the moment. But kids don’t self regulate; if you give them a treat, they’ll take it every time. Generally speaking, they don’t have many strong references by which to juxtapose good with less good or bad. Without winter we don’t appreciate summer. Herman Melville has one of my favorite quotes. I think my boys even know it by heart now:
“. . . because truly to enjoy bodily warmth, some small part of you must be cold, for there is no quality in this world that is not what it is merely by contrast. Nothing exists in itself…” — from Moby Dick
There’s Poor and then There’s Poor
“Daddy? Can you buy me a Nintendo DS?”
“No. I don’t have that kind of money. And if I did, I still wouldn’t buy one.”
“You have money. You just put gas in the car!”
This is where kids fail to grasp the reality of life. Yes, I have money to put gas in the car, for which I am thankful. I do not have money for a DS, and I am not at all concerned or troubled about it. Mely and I have gone through times when we literally had to rely on food given to us by our church, which took up a donation on our behalf (we were that family). We were most definitely poor. We lived in a decrepit house on cinder blocks, drove a 1968 Ford pickup, and didn’t have heat in the winter because we couldn’t afford to turn it on. The boys didn’t come until after those hard times. Neil and Alan have never experienced that kind of anxiety. I’m glad for that, but post poverty appreciation for the little things in life can really only be achieved the hard way. The best I can do for the boys for now is to approximate the experience by artificially withholding the material possessions that they think are so vital to good living. It’ll take a real life experience, though, for them to really get it. They don’t know what it’s like to be genuinely poor; I hope they never have to know. I hope I can help them make their transition to adulthood without the pain. Somehow I think that’s a pretty tall order.
We Do What’s Best, not What’s Easy:
Parents who buy their kids treats are not doing wrong. Likewise, kids who receive treats and presents are not necessarily spoiled. It’s the adjustments we make, the vigilance and love we show along the way that’s going to make the difference between a spoiled kid and one who isn’t. The first clue to the Titanic’s impending doom was its name “Titanic”, a reference to the mighty elder gods. The second mistake was calling the ship unsinkable. From there the cascade of fail is pretty well documented. Conversely, our parenting should start with heaping helpings of humility. We aren’t going to do it right. Accept it. There are simply too many factors to take into account to assure a straight and undeterred journey. There will be Starbucks days like the one we had yesterday. You’ll shake your head and wonder where you’ve gone wrong. You haven’t gone wrong – yet. It’s just time for a little course correction. The Titanic didn’t crash because it couldn’t turn. It was arrogance that did it in. The best, then, that we can do is to be open to adapt as circumstances dictate. I see Neil doesn’t appreciate his good things in the way I think he should. That means I’m going to take them away for a while. Not as punishment, but to educate. When we’ve reached equilibrium again, he can have his cookies back.
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My oldest daughter does the same thing.. If something is not the norm from what she expected she reacts in a negative way. While we weren’t spoiling her in the first place it’s just not what she’s used too. Like in your instance at Starbucks.. I normally would have said.. “No cookies today”.. It starts with a negative comment.. And she’s throwing a fit before I’m done with cookie and doesn’t understand that we’ll try again later.. I have to give her the same meaning, but switch it around by saying it in a positive way.. something like.. “We can only get the milk right now but we’ll get cookies some other time..”
It’s so common for parents to always blame the kid or think it has to be their fault. It’s nice to see other parents endeavoring to understand the kids point of view.
I recall vividly a specific event from when I was 3 or 4 in which I was misunderstood and not treated respectfully. Oh, that made me angry, in fact I carried that hatred for the person around until I was well into life and finally decided that baggage wasn’t worth carrying around anymore.
But the point is that our kids have very real feelings and trying to understand them makes a big difference for them. I sure see this lots in my 2 year old. When I try to understand him he doesn’t throw fits. If I ignore him or don’t bother trying to understand him he throws a fit because he is frustrated that no one is trying to understand his attempt at communication.
Thanks for the thoughtful analysis.
Thank you for such a balanced and insightful take on spoiled vs. unspoiled. My son has a bit of a blind spot when it comes to snacks too, but with time and patient explanations, and the occasional doing-without, he’s learned that a stop off for a bag of pretzel bites is not straight payment for his good behavior, it’s a celebration. So now, when his younger sister pouts that we’re not going to stop off for a snack (because we’re out of cash for the week, sorry – groceries come first), he actually *helps* me by explaining to her why it’s okay and what we’re going to do next and why that will be fun. I seriously love that boy!
First, let me say I like the Starbucks with the family idea – two of our children are too little for us to really enjoy something like that – I’d be a wreck the whole time that they were being disruptive! I do find when I give an inch, my kids will take a mile if they could. There are adults who aren’t disciplined enough to delay gratification. It is our responsibility as parents to teach them how to wait.
GRrrrr!!!! I just got home from the Mall. It’s my oldest daughters birthday today (10) , so we decided to treat her (and little sister) to a fun day of shopping and activities. We’re talking Spa Day at the Spa complete with manicure, a trip to the Hello Kitty Store, a trip to Claires Boutique, Glitter Tattoos at the parlor, Video Games at the Arcade, Pet Shop and ice cream at Farrells Parlor. Not to mention we walked around for 3 hrs. while the girls carried their packages and looked at anything they wished for as long as they wanted. KEITH!!! I cannot covey to you how much I hate going to the Mall. Hate, hate, hate. Does that cover it?
Anyway, the birthday girl is very gracious. It’s a huge milestone for her, as I can still remember the doctors telling us she would never live to be 1. Hence the huge shopping spree.
But the youngest?!…Wow…She pouted and cried when I told her we didn’t have time for a round of miniature glow-golf. Pouted the entire ride home…..Still pouting as I type this.
Not sure what I’m going to do with this one, and still scratching my head as to how she can be so different from her sis. Wish me luck.
We do a reasonably good job of keeping our son grounding, the trouble we have is reining in the grandparents – specifically my mother. For a stretch she was bringing our son a toy every damn weekend. We had to put a stop to it. We didn’t want him to develop the expectation that grammie would have something for him everytime she came over. It also put more pressure on us when we had to tell him no. Fortunately she is rehabbing nicely. But I agree, we need to be vigilant so that a sense of entitlement doesn’t follow them through life.
That is a really interesting take on the whole “spoiled” issue. My kids are with out a doubt spoiled. We don’t have money, yet my kids think we have a tree outback where we can just go pick off bills whenever we need. I’m really trying to teach them the meaning of “no,” but it’s not taking at all. The oldest is always asking for a “snack” even though I’ve told her no more snacks due to not eating meals. I must cave way more than I think I do.
I’m with you. Nothing bugs me more than spoiled kids. Mine’s an only child, so I’ve been spring-loaded to fight that entitlement battle with her since she was old enough to say “I want!” Some days she gets the fact she can’t have all of her heart’s desires, and other days… not so much.
It is a good problem to have, fear of spoiling. My kids are enrolled at a private school and I feel fortunate that we have been able to send them for as long as we have.
But without a doubt many of their classmates are spoiled so we have to work hard on teaching them to value and appreciate what they have or don’t have.There have been times where I have made a point of taking my son outside to dig holes or move things.
Manual labor is a wonderful tool. When it is a 100 degrees outside and you have to dig a hole you learn that a cold glass of water can be amazing thing. It is not a perfect system or foolproof, but it has been useful.
What a fantastic post! We struggle maintaining the balance between giving your kid a better life and spoiling them. I hope we can get it straight in the end because I don’t want to raise a child that derives his happiness from material things. I will adjust my course repeatedly until I can get that one right.
It’s your awareness to the situation and the willingness to actually parent that will keep your child from being spoiled. The parents that buy their children gifts or things for the wrong reason are the children that are spoiled and to a certain extent neglected. Parenting takes a huge amount of patience and consistency of which a lot of parents today are just too dog gone busy to be bothered with. It’s easier for them to buy each child a game box for their rooms to go with their own TV’s and the children don’t learn to share, but get the impression that they’re owed whatever it is they want/desire. Talk about expectation. And then the parents are bewildered at their children’s lack of gratitude and extreme selfishness and lack of family unity. As parents all we can do is our very best each and every day. Some days our best is better than other days. I used to always tell my older children: Good, Better, Best, Never let it rest, until your good is better and your better is best. (anonymous) But it’s a great motto to live by.