Are You Weird? Are Your Kids?¿Eres raro? ¿Lo son tus hijos?
By: Keith
Is normality defined by the person who proclaims it through the largest megaphone? Maybe what is normal is decided by committee, a committee I’ve not been invited to join. I think though that normal behavior is a popularity contest. The cool people, by default, are normal because most people want to be them. If you’re the parenting equivalent to a high school geek then you might as well prepare yourself for criticism from the more standard/popular crowd. It’s the cool moms who decide what’s fashionable and what’s acceptable parenting. Dads haven’t been recognized yet as being able to contribute to the parenting discussion; thus we’re treated like imbeciles. We don’t wear giant suburban mom sunglasses or carry designer diaper bags. We don’t adhere to playground social convention (kids play while everyone else huddles for gossip around the most popular mom), and a lot of the time we’re not as plugged in to what’s going on with the latest parenting trends. I consider myself a trailblazer; I think most other stay at home dads consider themselves trailblazers too. Even working dads these days are more attuned to their kids than they ever had been in past generation. We don’t want to do things the way moms do things. Because we’re outsiders we find ourselves in a position to redefine convention. Parenting is changing in no small part because of us dads. That’s a good thing.
Getting Advice and Reading Books:
The first thing parents tend to do when they have a baby is get a bunch of parenting books. And it doesn’t take long for most to find out how useless they are. The relevant chapters in parenting books have to do with medical issues. The rest of the books are generally garbage because they tell you what to do based on what is presently considered normal, not what is right for you. New moms have always relied on other moms and family for support and advice. They find out about parenting the way people have found out how to parent for all of recorded history. Advice is passed from generation to generation, mom to mom within a mom community. It’s a proven method. Stay at home dads are a new breed. And we’re doing things differently. We still get advice from our families and friends, but we’re also the sex who doesn’t like asking for direction. When faced with a problem our first inclination is that we can solve it without outside help. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn’t and we’re forced to eat humble pie. The point is that because we’re new and doing things differently, the art of parenting itself is changing.
My Weirdness and the Silent Majority:
There are so many things that I do that don’t fall within conventional parenting practices that I’m often admonished for my style by other parents (be they moms or dads). I’ve learned to shrug most of it off because that’s just the way our family is and that’s what works for us. Everything from the way I homeschool to our wacky sleep schedule (we go to sleep at midnight or later) gets put under the microscope by other parents. But, I think most families are weird in their own ways; they just aren’t saying it as loudly as I am. I think my family isn’t as unusual as many parents think we are. I think our style, while not conventional, is not as irregular as I’m led to believe. The reason I think this is because most people are silent. It’s a vocal minority who proclaim normality. Everybody else, for whatever personal reasons, sits and doesn’t say anything. The world is full of parenting geeks like me who just aren’t as outspoken. We all know about the silent majority. We’re the anti-hippies that Richard Nixon referred to in the 60′s except for parenting, not politics. We are the silent masses who do not buy what the vocal minority is selling. Most of us just don’t say anything. We aren’t the popular kids.
It’s Getting Easier:
It’s not just dads that are a part of this silent majority. It’s moms too. In the past parenting styles and techniques have been shaped by vocal moms. But, thanks in part to the introduction of a new, and weird, breed – the stay at home dad who bucks convention, the science of parenting (yes, it’s a field of study) is changing faster than it ever has in the past. We’re seeing an explosion of dad blogs, which have introduced us to different perspectives. Gay dads, homeschooling dads like me, single dads and everything in between. We all have something to say, and we’re saying it. For their part, there are moms who are not just towing the line either. The discussion that I’ve been involved in since I started this blog has been illuminating. It’s taught me that I’m not alone in my weirdness. We bloggers are a conglomerate of voices that didn’t exist 10 years ago and who are rapidly altering social norms, for the better.
¿Es la normalidad definida por la persona que lo proclama a través del micrófono más grande? Tal vez lo que es normal es decidido por algún comité, un comité al que no he sido invitado a participar. Pero yo creo que el comportamiento normal es un concurso de popularidad. La gente chida, automáticamente, es normal porque la mayoría de las personas quieren ser como ellos. Si tú eres el equivalente en paternidad al nerd en la escuela entonces te conviene prepararte para recibir el criticismo de la muchedumbre normal/popular. Son las madres chidas quienes deciden lo que está de moda y la forma de paternidad que es aceptable. Los padres no han sido reconocidos como personas capaces de contribuir en la discusión acerca de la paternidad; por lo tanto somos tratados como imbéciles. No usamos las gafas enormes de mamá suburbana ni cargamos las pañaleras de marca de diseñador. No nos adherimos a las convenciones del área de juegos del parque (los niños juegan mientras los demás se amontonan para chismorrear alrededor de la mamá más popular), y la mayoría de las veces no sabemos lo que está de moda en el mundo de la paternidad. Yo me considero un pionero; yo creo que la mayoría de los otros padres de hogar se consideran pioneros también. Hoy en día aún los papás que trabajan se encuentran más entonados con sus hijos que los padres de las generaciones pasadas. No queremos hacer las cosas de la misma manera que las mamás. Porque nos encontramos en una posición como forasteros podemos redefinir las convenciones. La paternidad está cambiando y no en poca manera gracias a nosotros los papás. Eso es algo bueno.
Recibiendo consejos y leyendo libros:
Lo primero que los padres tienden a hacer cuando tienen un bebé es comprar un montón de libros acerca de ser padres. Y no toma mucho tiempo para la mayoría el darse cuenta que éstos son inútiles. Los únicos capítulos relevantes en los libros de paternidad son los que tienen que ver con asuntos médicos. El resto de estos libros es pura basura porque te dicen lo que debes hacer basados en lo que en ese momento se considera normal, y no lo que es bueno para ti. Las mamás nuevas siempre han dependido de otras mamás y sus familias para recibir apoyo y consejo. Ellas descubren cosas acerca de la paternidad de la manera en que la gene lo ha descubierto a través de toda la historia. Los consejos son pasados de generación en generación, de madre a madre dentro de una comunidad de madres. Es un método comprobado. Los padres de casa son una raza nueva. Y nosotros estamos haciendo las cosas de diferente manera. Todavía recibimos consejo de nuestras familias y amigos, pero también somos el sexo al que no le gusta preguntar por instrucciones. Cuando nos encontramos frente a un problema nuestra primera inclinación es el que podemos resolverlo sin ninguna ayuda. Algunas veces si funciona y algunas veces no y nos vemos forzados a comer un poco de humildad. El punto es que debido a que somos nuevos y estamos haciendo las cosas de manera diferente, el arte de la paternidad está cambiando.
Mi rareza y la silenciosa mayoría:
Existen muchas cosas que yo hago que no caen dentro de lo convencional en las prácticas de paternidad y seguido soy reprendido debido a mi estilo por otros padres (ya sea padres o madres). Yo he aprendido a ignorar la mayoría de esto porque es simplemente la forma en que nuestra familia es y es lo que funciona para nosotros. Cada cosa, desde la manera en la que yo educo en el hogar hasta nuestro horario loco para dormir (nos vamos a acostar a la media noche o más tarde), es puesta bajo el microscopio por otros padres. Pero, yo creo que la mayoría de las familias son raras en su propia manera; simplemente no lo están diciendo tan fuerte como yo. Yo creo que mi familia no es tan inusual como la mayoría de los padres creen que somos. Yo pienso que nuestro estilo, mientras no es convencional, tampoco es irregular de la manera en que me lo hacen creer. Yo creo que la razón es porque la mayoría d de las personas son calladas. Es solo una minoría ruidosa la que proclama normalidad. Todos los demás, por cualquier razón personal, se sientan y no dicen nada. El mundo está lleno de padres nerds como yo pero que no son tan directos. Todos conocemos la mayoría silenciosa. Somos los anti hippies a los que Richard Nixon en los 60’s se refería, excepto en paternidad no en la política. Somos las masas silenciosas que no caen en lo que las minorías ruidosas están vendiendo. La mayoría de nosotros no decimos nada. No somos los chicos populares.
Se está volviendo más fácil:
No es solamente padres los que forman parte de esta mayoría silenciosa. También hay mamás. En el pasado los estilos y las técnicas de paternidad han sido moldeadas por las mamás ruidosas. Pero, gracias en parte la al introducción de una nueva, y rara, raza – los padres de hogar que se oponen a la convención, la ciencia de la paternidad (sí, es un campo de estudio) está cambiando más rápido de lo que lo ha hecho en el pasado. Estamos viendo una explosión de blogs de papás, los cuales nos han introducido a perspectivas diferentes. Padres gay, padres que educan en el hogar como yo, padres solteros y un montón que caen en el centro. Todos tenemos algo que decir, y lo estamos diciendo. Por su parte, también hay mamás quienes no se mantienen en la línea. La discusión en la que me he encontrado desde que empecé este blog ha sido iluminante. Me ha enseñado que no estoy solo en mi rareza. Nosotros los blogueadores somos un conglomerado de voces que no existían hace 10 años y quienes rápidamente estamos alterando las normas sociales, para su bien.
Yes I’m weird. Yes, my kids are weird. My wife is also weird. From strange pictures, to strange vacations to my 17 year old break dancing across the house. I prefer “unique”, not weird…
Fight the power Keith! I think pretty much any Mom (and most Dads) would agree with you that Dads aren’t normal
We don’t say anything because we’re comfortable in our own skin and don’t feel the need to justify our parenting to others.
My wife is getting me a Diaper Bag (Backpack) for Valentine’s Day. I will wear it proudly!
.-= Danny Grubb´s last blog ..Prepared Dads: 3 Steps to Keep Your Home Secure =-.
Indeed, Danny. I had a diaper bag/backpack for a little while when the boys were tiny. It was so cool because it was a regular backpack with a few added thingies that made it baby friendly. none of this foo foo crap
Amen. And thank you for writing it.
Evan, thanks for visiting again. Glad you liked it
Hey, thanks for the shout out…and just for the record, I am proud to be a Card Carrying Member of the Wieird Dads Movement!
Cheers!
.-= BellaDaddy´s last blog ..BELLABUDDY BLOG OF THE WEEK =-.
You’re Welcome, BellaDaddy, We should have business cards for our weird dad’s club
Keith, if you weren’t weird, I wouldn’t be reading your blog. Convention just doesn’t interest me. I have a kid with tourette syndrom, ocd, and adhd and a daughter with adhd and ocd. I have ocd. We are STRANGE. I mean, not to look at us, but scratch the surface and the weird bubbles right up.
My son has one of the worst potty mouths around. I can’t even repeat the stuff he says here. When asked why I don’t scold him (he’s a PK) I explain… kids with tourettes will sometimes curse AS A TIC. I didn’t want him to do that, so I never forbid it. Tics tend to be those things that are socially unacceptable or strange. As a result, he has never cursed at times that would be considered unacceptable. We do what we have to do, right? And it’s weird. But… I embrace the weird!!!
.-= beth muse´s last blog ..Next Competition =-.
Beth, I did not know that about your family. You’ve clearly worked out how to parent considering your own unique circumstances. I think if we all went by the book we’d be a bunch of terrible parents. Thank god for independence and ingenuity!
Thanks again!
Awesome post, Keith. Parenting, like most social interactions, really do fall into that fallacy of there being a right way or a normal way. Ticks me off to see people say that SAHD’s aren’t normal. The only thing that’s a fundamental convention of parenting is that you love your children and teach them how to love themselves and others. Again, really good stuff here.
Thanks, Ron. SAHD’s are still a small group, but we’re growing and I am always slightly miffed when people say we’re abnormal. What a lot of people don’t recognize and embrace is the fact that being abnormal is actually quite normal
No designer diaper bags here, mine is like a G.I. Joe utility belt.
No designer diaper bags here, mine is like a G.I. Joe utility belt. The only parents I consider “weird” are the ones that don’t give a damn. I may not always agree with things you do, and you may not always agree with things I do, but that is the beauty of the way our world works. A little dissension now and again is a good thing because that is how ideas get exchanged and processes evolve. If people want to consider me ‘weird’ because how my family works, that’s fine. Their opinion will only begin to matter when they are paying my mortgage and funding my retirement.
Keith,
10 years ago I was a teacher in a public school. One of my colleagues and I engaged in a hypothetical discussion of homeschooling. Neither he nor I were married or had any children at the time. Even then I was in favor of homeschooling as a more effective way of educating children. I will never forget his words when he said to me, “Jody, homeschooling may be just fine for some people, but there are fringe elements in our society that should not homeschool. They are too radical and biased in their opinions. They NEED to school provide them with a more balanced outlook on life. And in case you didn’t know it YOU are definitely on that fringe.” Now I stay at home to school my 4 weird kids and he is the principal of a school. I have a great community of like minded families to support me and I revel in the idea that we are the fringe and making waves.
Jody. I’ve heard stuff like that too — when people say, “oh, I believe in homseschooling, but ummmm, not for you.” The big question is is who are they to dictate? I’m glad you’ve found your happy niche
Great blog post. It’s so funny. We are totally weird Keith. And I have come to realize that people don’t like that because they see that my kids and my husband and I are really happy. We do are own thing and certain family members and friends always seem to have something to say about it. But then I wonder why they are always arguing with eachother and their kids are always getting into trouble or are having major problems in thier lives. While we are more laid back and understanding of things. Even after lossing jobs or whatever else life has thrown our way, we are happy and moving along just fine, while others are fighting or divorcing. If you do your own thing, you are weird. Thank God for “weird” people.
Nely, it’s very true. People who are unhappy are typically those who are the first to criticize those who are. They can’t admit that they’ve made some mistakes (as we all have) so they try to deflect onto others. Happy to see that you recognize it for what it is and don’t let it bother you. That’s the hallmark of a centered person
This post made me smile. “Weird” is highly underrated, and “normal” (as if there is such a thing) is very dull.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Betty White won’t you be my Valentine? =-.
Wolf. Weird is indeed highly underrated. Imagine where the world would be without “weird” people. We’d be a bunch of mindless drones, never progressing, always submitting to authority. Very dull indeed!
Great post, my kids think that I am weird. They never call me boring however. I am not lucky enough to be able to be at home with the kids. The wife is home full time. As long as one of us is their for that guidance they need, I guess that will have to do. And did anyone else notice that with each kid the diaper bag got smaller. The firstborn had enough stuff to support the three of us for a week. When our third arrived we carried one diaper and a small package of wipes.
.-= Ed´s last blog ..Safety Tip =-.
Thanks, Ed. I figure as long as someone is at home with the kids, and the arrangement is okay with everyone, then that’s all that counts. You bring up a good point about the diaper bag. It should be called The Law of Diminishing Concern!
Or maybe, Ed’s Law of Successive Kid Management! LOL
I pride myself on my oddities. And I embrace my kids’! Who wants to be normal? When people make a remark about me or the methods of my madness, I just say, “Well, call me a rebel…I will never conform!” And some people just learn to deal with it. My children are happy, and all the neighborhood kids love to be at MY house.
It’s our job, as parents, to do what’s right for our kids. To be authentic. My parents were taught to let a baby cry it out. It didn’t work for me. I was criticized and told that my kids would learn to manipulate me.
But that didn’t happen. I also let my child sleep with me as a toddler. I even swore I would never do it. But she had chronic bronchitis, for 4 years, til we adopted out our sweet kitty. And when she slept with us, she slept better, and we slept better. And I was a better parent because I wasn’t a sleep deprived zombie. It worked for us.
So keep being weird. And be vocal.. I was. When parents would say, “This is the way to do it” I spoke up. And disagreed. And said, “It works for us.”
I look at myself as normal. Because I was willing to do what it takes to do the right thing for my family. Against all convention.
.-= Debbie Lattuga´s last blog ..5K Training Made Easy =-.