Halloween: Save it from the Hippies!

By: Keith



Giving to charity is rewarding, but it’s not all there is in life.  I care what is going on in the world.  I do.  But I can’t, and don’t want to, spend all my time worrying about other people.  If I did I would never be happy, I’d just feel guilty that I have luxuries that other people don’t.  And, guess what?  I don’t feel guilty.  I get to have fun while children are starving in Africa.  Yeah, I said it, and I don’t feel bad about it.  I’ll start giving a crap again after the Holiday.  Every other day I’ll give what’s her face 5 dollars for the abused animals, I’ll give Sally, fat ass what’s her name, money for the starving kids in Africa.  It’s true that I don’t work as hard as some people in the world.  I’m not an untouchable from India or a woman in Afghanistan.  I’m Keith Wilcox     who has a pretty good life.  I’m thankful, but I will not feel guilty. I am fully aware of the suffering in the world.  The inequity that exists really bothers me.  I give thousands of dollars a year to charity because I actually do care.  But we have to shut it off sometimes and just enjoy and be grateful for our own lives.  Halloween is one of those times.


Let Kids be Kids


l-500-418-e4b7fb69-4381-416a-bd43-eb91ada1a2d9We live in the number 1 privately charitable country in the world (well, I do at least).  We Americans are a caring people.  We responsible parents also raise our children to be socially aware.  But, while we don’t want to shield our kids from the harsh reality of the world we also don’t want to overburden them with it.  We can know the truth and care while smiling and enjoying ourselves at the same time.  It’s selective selfishness, and I think it’s absolutely necessary in order to stay sane.


The Stupidest Charity Drive Ever?


unicefboxI became aware of a program called Trick or Treat for UNICEF where the idea is that kids collect money for UNICEF on Halloween instead of candy.  It’s an asinine program and the people who thought it up should be ashamed of themselves.  People who participate in it are depriving their children of what should otherwise be a care-free childhood moment.  Here’s an actual person who is going to do it.  Halloween is about escaping the realities of the world.  We dress up and we forget our lives while we pretend to be a superhero, a monster, an explorer or a ninja.  It’s the one time of the year that is pure escapism. We gather pumpkins for decorating even though we’ve completely forgotten the reason.  We give out candy even though we know it’s no good for us.  And we watch scary movies because they are frivolous and they make us feel things we don’t normally feel.  Halloween is not the time for giving, unless it’s terribly sugary candy to a neighbor kid.  Halloween is for scaring the crap out of marauding teenagers and wearing cheap costumes.  That’s it.  Yes, it’s stupid.  It’s stupid because too many things in the world these days aren’t.


The Rules of Halloween According to Me:


pinhead pumpkin quarter background jared hindman1. Dress your kid in something ridiculous.  While you’re at it you should dress in something ridiculous too.

2. Gorge yourself on candy and, if the time and opportunity exist, get fall down drunk at a party.

3. Watch at least one scary movie even if you’re like me and don’t like scary movies.

4. Don’t get all bent out of shape if your house gets TP’d. The idiots get a pass on Halloween.

5. Fat Chicks get to dress like Princess Leia no matter how funny it looks and you aren’t allowed to laugh at them.

6. Don’t floss.

7. Let your 4, 5, or 6 year old watch that scary movie with you.  Hellraiser is a good choice.

8. Do not under any circumstance run out of candy for the trick or treaters.  And, if you do, expect your house to get egged.

9. Carve or paint a pumpkin no matter how silly the result will be.

10. Don’t get all Christian about it and try to “save” the trick or treaters.  10(b). Don’t have a church service on Halloween.  10(c). Lighten up you silly wing nuts.


beer-goggles-fat-chick-570x447That’s about all there is to Halloween.  It isn’t about giving to charity even though charity is a noble endeavor.  It isn’t a time to create globally conscience children.  It’s a time to let loose and pretend to be the thing you always wanted to be but couldn’t.  We all want to save the world.  Nobody wants to see baby seals get bashed with a stick.  We’ll donate to the baby seals when we’re finished trying to squeeze our middle aged butts into a Batman costume and when we’re totally done attempting to seduce the Fat Princess Leia after we’ve had too much to drink.

14 Responses to “Halloween: Save it from the Hippies!”
  1. Misty Cooper October 24, 2009 at 11:32 am #

    I think that the idea of having kids feel guilty enough to donate their Halloween candy to a charity is absurd. Also, I grew up in a very religious household and we always celebrated Halloween. I feel like you can make Halloween out to be a holiday for Devil worshipers or you can view Halloween in the same way young innocent childern do. Kids think of Halloween as a fun day to dress up as something scary and get as much candy as their bags can hold.

    Good article. I enjoyed hearing your point of view and smiled several times while reading it.

    • Keith October 24, 2009 at 11:35 am #

      Hi Misty! Thanks for the visit and the comment. You’re exactly right. You can be a religious person and still take Halloween for what it is, just a bunch of fun at some morbid stuff that has nothing to do with Devil worship. Thanks again :-)

  2. J. Cruikshank October 24, 2009 at 6:05 pm #

    I will never understand how these people are starving to death but have the energy to go into their straw hut to do the wild thing and make more starving people! Screw it. When my family and friends are okay then I’ll worry about a stranger. The Branjolina’s of the world should really figure out how many millions they need to live well for the rest of their lives and give up the rest before laying a guilt trip on us! 10% of a shitload ain’t all that. Enjoy your candy!

  3. Keith October 25, 2009 at 9:41 am #

    HAHAHAHA! It’s true that we have to look at our own families first. Oh, and I fully intend to enjoy my candy! :-) Thanks for another visit!

  4. Robert F. October 25, 2009 at 12:46 pm #

    Si bien es cierto no soy muy fanático de Halloween, ya que acá en Perú ese 31 de octubre celebramos el día de la Canción Criolla (música tradicional Peruana), coincido contigo que hay tiempo para las obras de bien social y otro tiempo para poder hacer lo que se nos dé la reverenda gana sin pecar de egoistas.

    Como dices en Halloween puedes alienarte y transformarte en lo que quieras; aún recuerdo cuando una amiga que estuvo allá en una universidad de tu País haciendo una maestría contaba que en Halloween los profesores dan cátedra disfrazados de Spiderman; jajajajaja Para mí eso es alucinante.

    Muy Chévere tu Blog, te comienzo a seguir a partir de ahora, creo que ambos compartimos algo en común: “La dicha de ser padres y compartirlo en la blogósfera”

    Saludos desde Lima, Perú.
    .-= Robert F.´s last blog ..Día de coordinación en el trabajo =-.

  5. Keith October 25, 2009 at 1:44 pm #

    Robert, gracias por tu comentario y tu visita. Es cierto que aquí en los Estados Unidos tomamos el Halloween muy en serio, y es lo que lo hace tan único y divertido. Me imagino que tu amiga ha de haber pensado que estamos bien locos, pero espero que al menos si se haya divertido. Saludos! :-)

  6. always home and uncool October 26, 2009 at 8:02 am #

    We did the UNICEF thing as kids and they just started doing it again around here a few years ago. Wonder how much the teachers siphon off to pay for their lattes?
    .-= always home and uncool´s last blog ..The Sex Vacuum =-.

  7. Keith Wilcox October 26, 2009 at 8:13 am #

    That’s a good point. Anytime we give to charity there is always someone in the middle with their hands in the pot. :-) I never remember this particular drive when I was little. I just heard about it for the first time a few days ago. I suppose it must be pretty popular if it’s been around that long. Thanks for the comment!
    .-= Keith Wilcox´s last blog ..Build Strong Bones =-.

  8. Jill@ModernMommyBlog October 29, 2009 at 3:35 pm #

    I don’t give to Unicef because they are a largely political organization that sticks there hands in places they shouldn’t.
    My views are clouded by my convictions that we are all here to make the world a better place for someone else. Whether that’s your neighbor who’s going through a tough time, your sister who just lost her job and has 3 kids to take care of, or the child who is literally starving to death in a country thousands of miles away (who did not ask to be born but is a gift from God nonetheless). It doesn’t always have to be done through giving money, it could just be a smile or a helping hand. Yes, I might sound incredibly cheesy but this is just the way I tick. We shouldn’t be focusing on what everyone else is doing but what we are doing.
    With that being said. Happy Halloween!!! I for one will be thoroughly enjoying myself.
    .-= Jill@ModernMommyBlog´s last blog ..Technology Update for all you busy Mom’s and Dads! =-.

    • Keith October 29, 2009 at 4:22 pm #

      Hi Jill. Thanks for the return visit! I agree about UNICEF being a political organization. That’s another reason I don’t like them. This Halloween drive just totally rubbed me the wrong way, as I’m guessing you surmised :-) Thanks again for the visit, and to you too, Happy Halloween!

  9. Scott October 29, 2009 at 9:56 pm #

    I had no idea you felt so strongly about Halloween! But I agree with the whole charity thing. At work, they try to guilt us into giving to charity (and not one of my own choosing)… and some point you have to say enough.

    So while I don’t feel quite as opinionated on this one, I definitely see where you’re coming from.
    .-= Scott´s last blog ..What if Kids Filled Out Comment Cards? =-.


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