Halloween: Save it from the Hippies!
Giving to charity is rewarding, but it’s not all there is in life. I care what is going on in the world. I do. But I can’t, and don’t want to, spend all my time worrying about other people. If I did I would never be happy, I’d just feel guilty that I have luxuries that other people don’t. And, guess what? I don’t feel guilty. I get to have fun while children are starving in Africa. Yeah, I said it, and I don’t feel bad about it. I’ll start giving a crap again after the Holiday. Every other day I’ll give what’s her face 5 dollars for the abused animals, I’ll give Sally, fat ass what’s her name, money for the starving kids in Africa. It’s true that I don’t work as hard as some people in the world. I’m not an untouchable from India or a woman in Afghanistan. I’m Keith Wilcox who has a pretty good life. I’m thankful, but I will not feel guilty. I am fully aware of the suffering in the world. The inequity that exists really bothers me. I give thousands of dollars a year to charity because I actually do care. But we have to shut it off sometimes and just enjoy and be grateful for our own lives. Halloween is one of those times.
Let Kids be Kids
We live in the number 1 privately charitable country in the world (well, I do at least). We Americans are a caring people. We responsible parents also raise our children to be socially aware. But, while we don’t want to shield our kids from the harsh reality of the world we also don’t want to overburden them with it. We can know the truth and care while smiling and enjoying ourselves at the same time. It’s selective selfishness, and I think it’s absolutely necessary in order to stay sane.
The Stupidest Charity Drive Ever?
I became aware of a program called Trick or Treat for UNICEF where the idea is that kids collect money for UNICEF on Halloween instead of candy. It’s an asinine program and the people who thought it up should be ashamed of themselves. People who participate in it are depriving their children of what should otherwise be a care-free childhood moment. Here’s an actual person who is going to do it. Halloween is about escaping the realities of the world. We dress up and we forget our lives while we pretend to be a superhero, a monster, an explorer or a ninja. It’s the one time of the year that is pure escapism. We gather pumpkins for decorating even though we’ve completely forgotten the reason. We give out candy even though we know it’s no good for us. And we watch scary movies because they are frivolous and they make us feel things we don’t normally feel. Halloween is not the time for giving, unless it’s terribly sugary candy to a neighbor kid. Halloween is for scaring the crap out of marauding teenagers and wearing cheap costumes. That’s it. Yes, it’s stupid. It’s stupid because too many things in the world these days aren’t.
The Rules of Halloween According to Me:
1. Dress your kid in something ridiculous. While you’re at it you should dress in something ridiculous too.
2. Gorge yourself on candy and, if the time and opportunity exist, get fall down drunk at a party.
3. Watch at least one scary movie even if you’re like me and don’t like scary movies.
4. Don’t get all bent out of shape if your house gets TP’d. The idiots get a pass on Halloween.
5. Fat Chicks get to dress like Princess Leia no matter how funny it looks and you aren’t allowed to laugh at them.
6. Don’t floss.
7. Let your 4, 5, or 6 year old watch that scary movie with you. Hellraiser is a good choice.
8. Do not under any circumstance run out of candy for the trick or treaters. And, if you do, expect your house to get egged.
9. Carve or paint a pumpkin no matter how silly the result will be.
10. Don’t get all Christian about it and try to “save” the trick or treaters. 10(b). Don’t have a church service on Halloween. 10(c). Lighten up you silly wing nuts.
That’s about all there is to Halloween. It isn’t about giving to charity even though charity is a noble endeavor. It isn’t a time to create globally conscience children. It’s a time to let loose and pretend to be the thing you always wanted to be but couldn’t. We all want to save the world. Nobody wants to see baby seals get bashed with a stick. We’ll donate to the baby seals when we’re finished trying to squeeze our middle aged butts into a Batman costume and when we’re totally done attempting to seduce the Fat Princess Leia after we’ve had too much to drink.