Red Hot Dogs and Other Unnatural Foods
I was watching a show yesterday about the best hot dog stands in the country. Somehow I thought it would be educational since I don’t like hot dogs or give a crap in any way shape or form. Nevertheless, I watched the show for sheer lack of anything better to do. Each hot dog place had some claim to fame. There was Law Dogs in Los Angeles CA that offers free legal advice once a week (yes, a real lawyer comes in on Wednesday evenings). There’s Nathan’s Famous hot dogs of course who conduct their annual all American tribute to intestinal distress. Some place in New Jersey fries all their hot dogs. Chicago and New York squabble of who puts the best assortment of toppings on theirs. Really though. There isn’t much that distinguishes one hot dog from another. It’s the gimmicks that make them memorable, not the hot dog itself. Unless of course you happen to eat a bright red one. Then the gimmick is actually made right into the dog. We can thank the ubiquitousness of the hot dog in general for the ridiculous addition of food dyes Red #6 Red #40 and Red #4 as distinguishing characteristics of an already questionable food. Might as well bedazzle them too. A hot dog is a novelty food; it doesn’t need additional novelty. Why would people want a red one? It doesn’t taste any different brown ones, and the food dyes are pretty bad for you (been banned in Europe for making kids hyperactive).
Since we’re talking about hot dogs, the American Academy of Pediatrics wants a hot dog redesign because hot dogs are a choking hazard for kids. According to USA Today “17% of food-related asphyxiations are caused by hot dogs.” There’s an inventor who has made a device called the Kinder Cut Hot Dog Slicer. It’s a tube that you insert the hot dog into and push down on. It slices partially through the hot dog lengthwise making 6 cuts, and that’s supposed to minimize the choking hazard. Of course a fork and knife work pretty well too.
In other hot dog related news, Subway is making world class idiots out of themselves by sending cease and desist letters to hot dog vendors who use the term “Foot Long” in their advertising. This considering that foot long hot dogs have been around forever (you can read more about it here). Basically, I don’t want to eat at Subway anymore after reading that article. I don’t like hot dogs, but I do like standing up for the little guy. Subway can take a hike as far as I’m concerned.
Well, the silliness of red hot dogs got me thinking about other unnecessary foods. Some of the better ones…
Cheese Burger in a Can: I’m sure it doesn’t actually look like that out of the can.
Pre-Filled Bagels: Leave it to Kraft to pre-fill a bagel and not even make it round.
Canned Whole Chicken: If you eat one of these, let me know because that’s just gross.
Egg Tube: One of many similarly weird food related oddities from the Japan.