Hillbilly Shopping: Good Taste Mysteriously Not for Sale
By: Keith
Who spends $657.70 on knickknacks at a Cracker Barrel Restaurant? Some lady in West Virginia buying Christmas presents, that’s who. Yes, I too was in a West Virginia Cracker Barrel last week; but, in my defense, Cracker Barrel food is cheap comfort food and it’s really tasty. Their in-restaurant stores, however, baffle me. For those of you who have never seen a Cracker Barrel Restaurant, it’s a chain of restaurants who’s gimmick is good ol’ fashioned cooking with the added excitement of a country store atmosphere, complete with said country store. They sell a lot of new-but-made-to-look-old products. In other words, their stuff is pretty cheesy and appeals to world’s abundant supply of suckers. The food – I have no complaints. Yes, it’ll make you fat, but it’s good, and good > fat. Food aside, I’m not about to spend 15 bucks on a Solar LED Cross (I swear they sell a 15 dollar solar powered cross – as in Jesus) or 7 bucks on a box of Remember When Candies (candies that remind you of your childhood back in the 50′s, 60′s, 70′s or 80′s). And this brings up my point. I’m not going to tell anybody what to buy with their money, but I’m sure as hell going to ridicule them.
The Problem with the Lottery:
The big problem with the lottery is that poor people sometimes win. Then they get so excited about suddenly having money that they promptly and spectacularly squander it and end up worse off than when they started. Go ahead and google “lottery winners’ stories”. You’ll see story after story of people not having the faintest clue about how to wisely spend money. Did you hear about the guy who brought a duffel bag full of money with him to a bar and got robbed? I wonder how that could have happened. I’m not saying the Cracker Barrel lady was some silly lottery winner blowing through cash without thinking. But, standing behind her in line as she yelled across the store at her husband, all the while standing in front of me at the register, “Yeah! Get me one more case of orange soda – no, wait! Get me three more!” was painful. I waited almost 10 minutes for her to finish ordering her husband around. She had him scurrying about picking up completely useless, impulsively snatched up products. When all was said and done she had three employees boxing up stuff (they later carried it all to her car for her) and the grand total was $657.70. That’s stupid, just stupid. Having money does not buy class or brains.
Cracker Barrel isn’t All Stupid but You Have to Know What You’re Doing
Okay, it’s mostly stupid. I once bought the whole Mr. Magoo series on DVD for $19.95 at a Cracker Barrel. Where else could I have impulsively bought the entire Mr. Magoo series? And the boys love looking in the toy section while we wait to be seated in the restaurant. Of course we never actually buy any toys as they are ridiculously overpriced, but the diversion is great for waiting on a crowded Sunday morning (lots of church people eat there – they think it’s old fashionedy and acceptably conservative). Cracker Barrel serves a purpose for my stomach. They feed me $3.99 breakfasts whenever I want breakfast food, and they have that awesome peg game (golf tee jumping game) that I win 1 out of every 10 tries. In the Summer I can sit outside and play checkers or rock in one of 50 rocking chairs on their front porch or do both at the same time! So, yes, I like Cracker Barrel. I just don’t like hillbillies taking up 10 minutes of my day with their stupidity.
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Too funny! We were actually at THAT Cracker Barrel a few weeks ago on a big roadtrip. The store fascinated me and yep, I bought a few things. (mostly snacks for the road) I’d never been in a CB before; the food wasn’t that great, I was rather disappointed.
Maybe she was holiday shopping?
Wow, she really got you going didn’t she? I agree with the crap they sell in the store at Cracker Barrel, but the food is oh so good. Not the healthiest, but damn it tastes good. They do sell one thing in the store that I will buy. GooGoo Clusters. It’s a round shaped candy bar with nuget and marshmallow,nuts and chocolate. My Grandparents used to bring them home from Florida trips when I was young as they used to be only available in the south. I buy one every time I go to Cracker Barrel, and it brings back memories of my now past grandparents. Good stuff.
I agree- Cracker Barrel has great country food. The stuff in the store is more decorative in my mind, but if they can actually sell things…. well, more power to them!
DennisY: Seriously? So you’d be ok with drug dealing because it sells? Not saying cracker barrel junk is like drugs, I’m just pointing out how odd an argument you make. Selling = good as long as it’s selling. That makes no sense at all. Besides, I wasn’t even talking about the right or wrong of selling the stuff (which I agree is fine). I was talking about the people who purchase the stuff.
Cracker Barrel is one of the only places left that sell the Woodwick candles, (you can ask me how I know about them later). Those things are my go to Christmas gift if I’m in a bind. While I’ve never bought anything in their store (aside from the candles), I do love to walk around in there. Being a straight up southerner, it reminds me of home somehow.
And their country ham is the B-O-M-B!
Cracker Barrel does have some pretty worthless “junk” for sale, I’ll give you that… but please tell me that you’re not calling all West Virginians “hillbillies”
I have enjoyed receiving your blog emails every morning for the past few weeks (being a new “homeschooler”) You seem like a very intelligent, and witty, individual. But I was so seriously put off this morning when I opened my email to see the words “Hillybilly” and WV’ian in thefirst two sentences. 
Call me sensitive – and maybe I’m over-reacting a tad but it wasn’t very PC of you, in my opinion. :-/
Lindsay: Please point out where I said all West Virginians are hillbillies. Of course, had I been in an Oklahoma Cracker Barrel and called the lady a redneck, or a San Francisco restaurant and called the woman a hippie, or a New England Cracker Barrel and called a person a socialist — I’d probably be hearing from them right now. I’m not really interested in being PC. The consequence of making sure nobody is offended is that nothing ever really gets said. I’ve found that almost everything I write gets criticized by someone. It’s not something I spend a lot of time thinking about. I’m sorry you were offended by something I didn’t say. I wish there was some way I could unsay the thing I didn’t say.
I’m kidding with you, Lindsay. I appreciate you reading, and I really hope I don’t lose you over this article. If I do lose you, please come back again some day and give me another chance. maybe I’ll be saying something that day that’s only offensive to somebody else. 
I have heard so much about Cracker Barrel, but never been to one. I have been to Stuckies (sp?), however, and they had similar stores (at least when I was a kid). The fact that people frequently end up less happy after winning the lottery is why I don’t buy lottery tickets (well that and the whole statistics involving the whole lack of likelihood that I will win thing…).
I like cracker barrel too but I quit eating there very often when I became of drinking age. I like a cold beer with my eating out experience. The store is only good for goofing off while waiting for table. I agree with you there. I’m just glad the story is about WV rather than Arkansas.
Say What? I love the stuff they offer in their gift shop! LOL I guess I am an okie hillbilly. I don’t really care if you call me a “hillbilly” I enjoy swimmin’ in the cement pond and our critters too!