When Your Kid Gets a Birthday Snub
By: Keith
Into every life a little rain must fall. It happened to Neil (the older of my two) yesterday. My youngest son, Alan, got invited by his friend to a birthday party, and we dutifully showed up. Neil, in the mean time, went to the park with his mother to play. I found out how the invitation snub happened when I got to the party. The older brother of Alan’s friend came out and asked where Neil was (He and Neil are friends). I said “Neil went to the park with his mother because he didn’t get an invitation.” Next, his dad came out to greet Alan and me. He said “Where’s Neil?”, and I repeated “He didn’t get an invitation so he didn’t come.” However, the man’s wife was standing right next to him and she muttered something in Korean to him. He said “Oh”, shook my hand and welcomed me and walked off. I later found out that the party was not just populated with 6 year olds but also 7 and 8 year olds who were friends of the birthday boy’s brother. Neil got the snub for the simple reason that the mother doesn’t like him. He didn’t get invited because she thinks he’s a bad influence on her son, not because his friends didn’t want him there.
It all Started When…
It all started a few months ago. Neil pitched a fit at gymnastics class when his mom came to pick him up. He wanted to stay late to play with his friends, but Mely (Madre) had other things to do and couldn’t oblige. Neil, as kids sometimes do, threw a rather comical tantrum. In the process he punched his mom in the butt (that’s the story I heard at least). Mely took it personally and dragged the kid out of the building, to everybody’s embarrassment, kicking and screaming. And naturally, the mom of this other kid was sitting there, aghast (as if her kid has never had a meltdown). Neil was quickly and unceremoniously put in his place once outside the earshot of innocents, and the situation was resolved before he got into the car to come home. He apologized to me later and we all made nice. Pain in the butt? Yes, literally. End of the world? No. I didn’t think any more of it.
Several Weeks Later…
I was sitting in the bleachers a few weeks later watching Neil when the mother of the birthday boy came to me and wanted to talk. She explained everything that had happened between Neil and Mely (as if somehow I missed the details). She told me, quite seriously, that little boys who hit their moms turn into teenagers who abuse women. I said “Thanks for the tip, but you’re not describing my son.” I left it at that because sometimes it’s not worth the hassle to argue with idiots. Just say no and go on your way. But since then Neil has been persona non grata at her house. She thinks he’s violent, and my telling her otherwise isn’t going to change her mind. Her opinion isn’t really worth the effort anyway.
No Need to get Bent out of Shape:
Neil doesn’t need defending because everybody who knows him knows he’s a fine human being. The fact that he got excluded from the birthday party is an unfortunate side effect of one lapse of emotional control. The lesson here, which I talked about with Neil, is twofold. The first is that people make judgments about us based on sometimes shoddy evidence. Our actions are the only thing that can prove them wrong, never words. It takes time. The second point is that actions have consequences. His outburst cost him the opportunity to attend a fun party. Whether or not this woman is correct in her assessment of Neil (she’s not) is immaterial because it’s her party and she gets to set the rules. The one who suffers is Neil. We’ll move on and forget about it. We are not islands unto ourselves. I have judgments too. Right or wrong I think she’s a pompous ass. But that’s just an opinion based on one event. Life goes on.
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It’s those people who are the most self-righteous (like this lady) that are also the most guilty. She’s been so preachy about how her Christian values are superior to everyone that she’s forgotten she’s a human, too. This is not a slam at Christianity– just an observation of the Pharisees who abuse it.
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Jesus, where do you meet these women? I’d like to see what she thought of Lewis’s recent habit of punching me in the dick when I’m not paying attention to him. I mean, I’d really like to see… if your son’s going to become an abuser of women for punching Melly in the bum, I think Lewis might actually become a global threat. Can we set up up a meeting? I’ll ignore Lewis, get dick-punched, and then heed her advice.
Clint: I think this is about the funniest comment I’ve ever had on this blog! Dick punched! HAHAHAHAHAHA
To react that way over one incident is being unfair to your son and doesn’t set a good example to her children.
I applaud your reaction and level headedness about what happened.
.-= Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog ..The Porcelain Gods =-.
What an unfortunate limited world view that mother’s has. I’d love to see her statistical evidence of that little absolute she threw at you. Such nonsense. If you are going to apply such a strict standard as to who your children can hang around with, eventually you’re kids only friend will be imaginary. You handled that a lot better than I would have for sure.
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Wow, what a shame she chose to judge him based on one outburst like that. Now if he made a regular thing of it I’d be concerned, but one time isn’t a big deal to me as a mom with 4 girls. Growing up I had a wild angry temper and I’m not an abusive person; just ask the man I’ve been married to for the past 8 years. I too would like to see the evidence from studies to back her view on that one.
Cat: yeah, Neil definitely doesn’t act that way all the time. It was just a kid tantrum because he was tired and frustrated. I don’t know any parent who hasn’t had similarly frustrating encounters with their kids. I agree — I’d like to see those studies myself.
You handled it in a bigger way than I would have. My respect to you!
Mom: Thanks. I acted reasonably docile about it simply because I was too tired to think that day. I’d like to claim it’s just because I have an extraordinarily level head (which we both know isn’t totally true
) but the truth is that exhaustion forced me to do the right thing! HA. Maybe I would have done the right thing anyway, who knows. In hind sight I don’t have time for her anyway.
Keith … from this side of the screen, it sounds like you handled all of the situations, from the fallout of the tantrum to the accusation to the birthday party, beautifully.
It reminds me of a time when my oldest (now 20) was about 12. He’s learning disabled, so sometimes acts very immature for his age/size. He decided to throw a total tantrum in Safeway because my wife wouldn’t buy him the candy he desperately wanted. Our normal reaction to such tantrums is to pack everyone up and walk away as a family, but we needed the groceries, so we went to plan B. I took him out front and sat in the car with him (no yelling, no screaming … wouldn’t do any good anyway … just sit and wait it out) while my wife finished shopping with the rest of the kids. After I dragged him out of the store and into the car, my wife apparently got offers to call CPS on me from multiple women who had witnessed the scene since I MUST be an abuser for having taken a melted-down, tantrum throwing child out of a public place. We laughed about it later, but it hurt at the time. I wanted to go ask those women what it was I SHOULD have done when a 12 year old child throws a temper tantrum!
As someone who gets judged on my parenting choices quite often (MANY people dislike the idea of a large family), all I can say is hang in there. Sounds like you’re doing fine!
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Thanks goofdad: Talking about your son. People sometimes see a snapshot of our lives and draw conclusions around missing information. The people who saw your trouble that day clearly made a story in their heads that didn’t coincide with your reality. Then they went ahead and convinced themselves that the only explanation was that you’re doing something wrong. I’d like to see them in your shoes. The perils of snap judgments
This is the saddest thing when it happens to a child. I have seen it several times as kids have their petty gripes. Fortunately, the things that cause this go away over time as new things happen and all can go back to normal.
.-= Richard´s last blog ..How To Be Scene =-.
mmmmm lo que yo creo es que el padre de la sr ha de golpear a su madre y su excusa del señor es decir que de pequeño golpeaba a su mama…. que IDIOTA! creo que la señora tiene en su casa potencial para hacer de sus hijos algun tipo de criminal con esas ideas tan….26&78)??¡#”!?¡¨!”#$%&/( jajajaj en fin cada quien con sus hijos y mi Niel es un niño y actua como niño solo eso
Tienes la idea, Dafne. Hay que considerar la cultura de la que esta familia viene y las experiencias de esta mujer para ver de dónde vienen sus ideas. Sin embargo, no es excusa para que ella juzgue a todas las personas de la misma manera. Gracias por visitar
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