What to do When your Kid Calls his Mother a Butt-Face
By: Keith
That’s just what my boy did today. I don’t know the details, all I know is that his mother asked him to do something, and he turned and said “I don’t need to do what you say, Butt-Face!” Mely came to me and said something like “Have a talk with your son because he just called me a Butt-Face.” That’s not all he called her either. To make things worse, when Mely remonstrated, he laid the cherry on the cake by then calling her an “Ass-Face.” Now, if he had done it as a joke, I would have laughed at it and told him to settle down and zip the rude talk. But, this was serious and it ended with Mely wanting to throttle the child and the child waiting for the hand of god (that’d be me) to lay the smack down. And, that’s how I found him a few minutes later, sitting quietly in his seat looking like an Angel; whatever malevolence had transpired between the two of them was lost to me. I couldn’t swoop in and fix what didn’t appear to be broken. And, that begs an important point. When there’s punishment to be meted out, it’s best for the parent at the scene to be the arbiter, not the one who’s sitting around minding his own business.
The Respect Issue:
I’ll just say it. I handle crisis better than my wife. When something needs immediate action I’m your guy. I might do it wrong and make things worse, but action is what I’m good at; call me if you need to make a decision because I don’t hesitate. My wife, on the other hand, tends to seize up at the moment of decision. She thinks the boys’ occasional signs of disrespect towards her are somehow my fault, but the truth is that kids, like animals, sense uncertainty, vacillation, reluctance and fear, and they like to experiment with it. Testing boundaries, after all, is what kids do. They know what they can get away with with me, but with their mother it’s always a grab bag of surprises. One day she can be as gentle as a little fluffy bunny and the next she can be vengeful like a viper. I don’t say any of that in a mocking way either (even if that’s how it sounds). It’s just a sign that I’ve been in charge longer and that I have a better handle on the talking points.
Working Moms:
For a long time Mely was working outside our home. She woke up early, went to work and toiled then drove home to have dinner. I have been the one to see the inner workings of these kids. I know what their buttons are and I know what their limits are. Mely is learning that now that she’s at home too, but I’m still light years ahead. Having their mom at home takes adjustment for them as well. And even if she is at home, I’m still the one doing the homeschooling and daily routine with them. Mely still works, albeit at home. Therefore it’s not surprising that I’d be the go-to guy for all things parenting. Nevertheless, I don’t have it in me to punish them for something I didn’t witness. That’s Mely’s responsibility, and as long as there’s a glimmer of doubt in her approach the boys are still going to press her buttons.
Solution? Same Playbook:
I can tell the boys to go make nice with their mom after an incident like this. I can explain the wrongness of their actions too. Heck, they even know they’re doing wrong; that’s not the point. 
The point is that they do it because they can, not because they don’t know it’s wrong. The solution is for Mely and I to be reading from the same playbook. We need uniform standards of behavior and consistent degrees of latitude. If the boys know right where the wall is they won’t pass it. Back to the animal analogy – dogs know where the invisible fence is. Kids aren’t dogs obviously, but if you keep moving the fence they’ll keep running into it.
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YIKES! That is a tough one. Remember the old days, if mom deferred to dad it meant certain death or at the very least a very sore buttocks?
We have never had this problem… Yet but I expect that it will crop up when my girls are teens and it will be squarely aimed at their mom.
As a matter of parental practice, I simply do not give my kids anything to work with when it comes to retaliation. It can frustrate the hell out of the kids at times because I never go beyond a simple “yes” or “no” done without any emotion and I rarely waver.
My wife however, gets riled and they know how to press her buttons, this is a death nail in any adult kid interaction. I think if kids know they can get you riled they will resort to anything they think will get a reaction. As they get older and if little things do not get a reaction they will amp up the behavior until they do.
JMHO
Keith: Yeah, I remember those day!
I’d be in abject terror waiting for my dad to get home. When kids know what the right buttons are then that puts them in charge — totally right about that.
how very interesting to read about this situation from a flipped (at least from my perspective) point of view! my favorite line? “the hand of god (that’s be be).” perfect. you’re right, the rules of engagement declare: once in the discipline mess, solve the mess. but damn, that’s hard to do sometimes! thanks for a well written post about something that happens every. single. day. well, the discipline stuff, not the butt-face stuff!
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Mamaleh: Thanks for the support. You’re right. On paper it seems like a simple solution; run the same plays, always support each other, do x,y and z. But, in real life things get both sticky and funny
Life and parenting are never straight lines.
The important question is do you back Mely up or override her authority? Much like animals, kids will play divide and conquer. It is true that they know where the line is but every kid I’ve ever known has crossed it to see what’s on the other side and it’s usually nothing so the line is forever moved.
Mom: I usually back her up. Sometimes though I do override her. But, I think people would be lying if they said they’d never done that. I do it, then I back up and say — um, oops, my bad
absolutely, same playbook is the key. even if you’re running the wrong plays, you and spouse will be more powerful as a team, then if one of you is running the right play w/o the other’s backup. another consideration – when something comes up like this that you may not have figured out your collective play yet, don’t feel pressure to mete out the punishment then and there. take time you need to align as mom and dad. I am awful at on the spot reactions, which leaves my wife too often needing to play tough cop. better to say, wow, bad move kid. there’s going to be a consequence. go chill out while we decide what it’s going to be.
Stefan: Good point, there’s no shame in going to a huddle once in a while when our signals get crossed or we run into new territory.
Thank you. We navigate the same waters over here. Things are WAY and I mean WAY different when mama comes home. It’s complicated.
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Marian: Thanks for stopping in! It’s been hard for the boys to adjust to mom being home. When it was just me it was easier for them to figure out the rules. And when their mother came home from work they knew what the routine was. Now that she’s home all the time it’s been a challenge to make that change.
I have to say that my wife and I are completely unified when it comes to how we deal with the kids in the moment. I do not always agree with her nor she with I but we NEVER call each other out in front of the kids.
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Keith: It’s good you’re on the same page. That’s an important point too. To not call attention to a mistake in front of the kids.
If my daughter called her mom a butt face or an ass face I would first off try my hardest not to laugh out loud. (I would laugh because it’s totally true) but then I would remind her that even though she’s not a part of her life, she’s still her mom and she needs to be respectful…
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JR: I didn’t laugh, but It’s only because I had to hold it back
Even though I know it’s wrong it’s still funny to hear out of a kid.
Good point Keith. Parents need to be on the same page so the kids know the boundaries of what is acceptable and not.
I am more lienient than my wife in general but have held firm even when I didn’t feel like it so that she and I are presenting a unified front.
.-= Seattledad (Luke, I am Your Father)´s last blog ..Hammering Man =-.
Thanks, LIAYF: It’s funny because I’m more lenient than my wife is too. But, since the kids know where my limits are, I’m not much fun. Sometimes they manage to get a lot out of Mely and other times they’re thwarted right out of the gates. It’s fun to watch but could use a lot more consistency.
When my kids were small, I quickly realized my husband and I have different parenting styles. And different levels of consistency. I opted to embrace those differences in light of the fact that the children will deal with different types of people as adults.
It did result in a lot of “Well, I’m going to ask Daddy.” Sometimes, I’d do the end around to let him know my feelings. And other times I figured if he was OK with it, then it was no big deal.
As our children have grown, our parenting style has moved closer together. He’s more consistent and I’m more permissive.
I think it’s hard for the parent working outside the home to use consistent discipline because they miss their little love bunnies so much. I was so lucky to stay home with my kids.
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I think that you are right…men are sometimes better at dealing immediately with a situation like this. “Buttface”…not gonna fly in this household!
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