Too Strict? It Depends on the Kid
By: Keith
I saw a questionnaire in this month’s Parent magazine (which I read for amusement while hanging out at the bookstore) that purports to be able to discern the effectiveness of your parenting method by way of a 10 question quiz. Like many half baked, self scoring, magazine based personality quizzes this one asks questions like “How many hours of digital media do you allow your child to consume per day?” and the answers, listed A through C, are arranged so that all the A responses are seriously and absurdly permissive while all the C’s indicate that you might be a fascist. Obviously, then, the only rational answers are the ones that fall right in the middle, the B’s, the uninteresting ones. Naturally, though, it’s all a pretext to an article about how you and your parenting ought to be completely phlegmatic – not tailored in any way to your child’s unique disposition. That’s what you get when you read Parent magazine and others like it. You get opinions that aren’t as much opinions as equivocal hogwash meant to offend the least number of people while simultaneously achieving the greatest potential circulation. Profits, not parenting.
Not Serious:
Online Intelligence tests, personality tests and magazine quizzes are completely harmless if you read them knowing they’re not really intended to gauge anything. Their only purpose is to make you feel like you’re doing something right so they can sell you something – flattery. “You’re a genius! Now buy some ring tones.” “You’re a perfect parent! Now subscribe to our magazine and buy some stuff from our advertisers.” The last thing anybody should do with these tests though is to take them seriously. Your parenting, like mine, is not by the book. Have you ever seen parents who do it by the book? They try to keep calm. They never spank or yell or otherwise lose their cool for fear that it’ll permanently screw up their kids. You know what will permanently screw up kids? The belief that their parents don’t give enough of a crap about what they’re doing to get mad.
You Aren’t a Robot:
There’s no such thing as perfect parenting. When your kid does something you have a right to be mad about, get mad. If you’re a good person, trying your best to be a good parent, you’re probably doing it right. You aren’t a robot – sometimes you’ll fly off the handle and act a little irrationally. You’re kid might look at you cross eyed, but at least he knows you care. It’s much worse to be impassive and have a kid who’s sole mission in life becomes to find out how to get emotion out of you. If you’re a parent who employs discipline by following a step by step psychology guide to kids, and you believe your kids are angels as a result, you’re probably not a good parent, and your kids are likely monsters that people barely tolerate. Likewise, if you’re a fascist about the spanking issue – believing that all spanking leads to maladjusted and psychotic kids, you must be pretty confident in your superiority. I’ll let you in on a little secret. People secretly think you’re an annoying know it all. Discipline isn’t a one size fits all proposition. My littlest boy has never needed a spanking. He’s too sensitive and a spanking wouldn’t be good for him. My oldest boy though is a different matter. He needed it, I did it, and it helped him. Tell me I did wrong when he’s grown up and you can see how he turns out, and especially wait until your own kid grows up before proclaiming your own superiority.
No Need to Listen to the Naysayers:
Whether it’s about spanking or something else, there will always be people who think you’re a terrible parent. Magazines, neighbors, family and friends will all, at times, give you parenting advice. Some of them will be constructive and worth listening to – others will be offensive and pompous. Listen to the ones you really think have something to add to the discussion. Don’t listen to the people who just want to drag you down. The odds are overwhelmingly in your favor that you’re doing a good parenting job. Do you do it like me? Probably not. You should parent in harmony with your nature. You’re nature is rational first and foremost, but it’s also unique to you. Approach parenting like you’d approach a game of chess. Some players are aggressive, some are defensive. As long as the players are competent there are many ways to play the game. The goal is to win, and a winner is only determined after the game is played. Your parenting method will be judged by its results. Don’t listen to a player at the next table telling you to be more defensive like him, especially if he’s in the middle of his own game or has already lost and is now finding the time to “assist” you. Maybe your aggressive nature is just what your situation calls for. Maybe not. Adjust as you see necessary in accordance with the flow of action.
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Parenting rag-azine. Who needs them.
We found that spanking works for one kid and not another. My son just laughs at us when we tried. It might have to do with the diaper taking the brunt of the spank, but time out works best for him. He knows he did something wrong and is sorry for it.
My daughter will not stay in time out unless we force her. Spanking work for her. We feel bad because we don’t want the kids to think we favored one over the other.
What a fun post! The parenting magazines irk me and I cannot read them. They’re so full of fluff and that some mom’s take them serious is frightening. Just like you I have a son, now a well adjusted self-sufficient adult, that needed a firmer discipline than either my daughter or my younger son. Both my older children have turned out to be fantastic adults and I’m proud of them. There’s no way I could raise my younger son the same way though. He’s much more sensitive and I had to change for him. I think it’s made me a better person. Of course if I had it to do all over again with my older children, there are things I would do differently. But we can’t go backwards. And when my 19 yr old son called me and thanked me for having him do chores and be independent and making him do school work over summer break and being strict with him that was a huge validation that I did something right. =), But the key with all three was consistency and I think a lot of parents today lack that.
Like your comment about the fact that you must parent in harmony with your nature. You have to find out what works for you. I got whacked as a kid and it didn’t ruin me, but like you say, it works differently for everyone.
Parents have to allow kids be kids. You can’t be too strict. However, if you are going to err on one side, being too strict is the better way to go. I think more kids go down the wrong path when they have parents who don’t hold them accountable. It may be hard at times to punish your children, but in the long run you are helping them.
Joe Matthews…i totally disagree with your statement….I would not like someone to help me by doing something that hurts me. If that’s his definition of love and care. Well i am sorry…I am not that masochist and I don’t like to be surrounded by such people. Therefore why would i be a parent like this?
John: Your premise that standards and rules “hurt” is false.