School Plays, Embarrassed Parents and Uncoordinated Kids
By: Keith
I‘ve had one major failure in my life – well, two. They both happened in 5th grade – choir and band. 5th grade was not a good year for me. It’s the year I look back on and thank myself for my determined effort ever since to remain anonymous. The first failure was choir. Our task was to sing We are the World in front of the school and our parents. Every day for a month or so (I can’t remember how long) we were to report to the music room and practice, at the end of which we’d perform our song in front of everybody. The music teacher was supposed to decide where we belonged and exactly what parts we were to sing. I don’t know why the music teacher decided to grade us on it, but he did. And he graded us while we were singing not We are the World, but instead Yo Ho A Pirate’s Life For Me. Graded 1 to 10 I got a 1! The real humiliation wasn’t my low score. I was told to show up at the concert, but not actually sing during the performance (He wanted me to lip sync). Instead of suffering the humiliation I quit and joined the band.
My first mistake in band was joining late. My second mistake was thinking the three buttons on a trumpet would make it an easy instrument to play. I spent a week without being able to make a note. Not being permitted to quit another class, I didn’t. Instead I intentionally lost my trumpet under a stack of boxes in my basement. The teacher, not being an idiot and in response to my lame attempt at getting out of practice, made me stand in front of the class and play the thumb trumpet while making tooting sounds and tapping my foot to the rhythm. In response I skipped class every day until I was caught and forced back into class. Fortunately for me, by that time it was too late to teach me anything and I got out of performing at the concert altogether. I think I was the only student, except for a few absentees, who didn’t perform. I sat back stage the whole time and ate brownies (the ones intended for the after concert party).
Triumph
I’ve had one triumph in my acting career. Well, three if you count that I once made Sports Center and I was in a commercial, a PSA entitled Help Keep New Hampshire Beautiful. But, Sports Center and the commercial were nothing compared to the time I got to play the Vernal Equinox in our 1st grade school play. Talk about massive success! We put on a play appropriately called The Seasons. Other kids had to be actual seasons which I thought was boring. I got to wear a giant Sun costume, and I had a speaking part that sounded really intelligent and scientific (I got to say “Vernal Equinox” at least once). To be the Vernal Equinox again is on my bucket list.
Some Kids Like to Perform. Most Don’t
There is a select bunch of kids in every school who enjoy performing. They’re the artsy ones and the ones who have it in their blood to be on stage. Everybody else wishes the auditorium would burn down so they could go throw rocks at trees rather than act in the school play. Parents, some of whom genuinely want to see their kids make asses out of themselves on stage, show up in a sign of support at a given place and time to clap on cue. I’m not opposed to making students support their fellow classmates in a play. I’m just curious why we, who don’t want to perform, are made into dancing monkeys. Let the kids who want to act do it. They’re better at it anyway and the production probably wouldn’t turn into a circus as invariably happens when delinquents are involved in the production. In other words, the audience might really enjoy themselves if talented people were the ones doing the acting and singing. I wouldn’t have volunteered for choir or band if I didn’t have to. But, no. School plays and beleaguered kids are a fixture in our society. It’s interesting to note that while I hate acting, I’m good at public speaking. They should have 5th grade Toastmasters. I would have been good at that (we didn’t have a debate club. I would have been good at that too).
Inspiration for this post came from my blogging friend Kevin. I read his post and immediately started thinking of all the silliness of school plays and my 5th grade debacle.
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I think such displays are more for the parents’ enjoyment than the children themselves. That may offend a number of soccer moms and those who want to live vicariously through their children, to make up for the success they missed in their one-time pass through childhood. Not saying that all soccer moms or parents who push their kids to excel in band, sports, or whatever are this way– just that there’s a hidden motive here beyond just education and socialization.
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This is one of the biggest reasons I pulled my kids out of institutionalized school and started homeschooling them. Thou misery is thus over!
this was a great read! our 8 year old HATES to sing in those productions. it’s unreal.
true fact w/ me. i was forced to join the band, and i picked the clarinet. only i didn’t have a reed. FOR THE ENTIRE YEARS. i was the milli vanilli of clarinet players before they had ever even thought of blaming it on the rain.
i wonder which kevin inspired you. i’m off to check it out.
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