Poised Parenting: Teaching Responsibility
By: Keith
Every few days I make a trip around the blogosphere to check on what other dads are saying about their lives and their experiences. Usually I find things that are mildly interesting to me but not particularly relevant to anything I can talk about. Today I read an article at Dadshouseblog.com that I almost passed over without a second thought. David (the owner of the site) told a story about his son who left his cell phone in the pocket of his pants before they were washed. His sister did the laundry (which David says is not usual for her). Long story short – the phone got put through the cycle and was ruined. What’s interesting here is not that the kid ruined his phone (because that’s what 13 year olds tend to do) or that the sister didn’t check the pockets before washing the pants (because I don’t check pockets either and I’m 35). What was interesting to me was the solution. As parents we have a few decisions to make when our kids demonstrate their irresponsible natures. It essentially boils down to crime, punishment and rehabilitation. How do we reconcile punishment with rehabilitation? David’s response was perfect, and you can go read it for yourself. It’s all about moderation.
Absolutism Won’t Always Work:
Cell phones are expensive to replace, and kids don’t typically have the money to do it. Some parents’ reaction to a broken cell phone might be to tell the kid “too bad. You broke it, you fix it.” That might be my first reaction too. And, to be honest, that scenario works fine for a lot of things, small toys and such. For larger items, that can’t be replaced so easily, it’s not so black and white, an item that he really needs for instance. I don’t think cell phones are a necessary item, but they might be for someone else’s family. Getting upset is a logical reaction, but it doesn’t really solve the problem. The problem is that the kid needs a cell phone, and he broke the one he had. Obviously, he can’t replace it himself. The wrong response would be to just buy a new one and leave it at that. The other wrong response it to say “fix it yourself,” because that’s impossible. Parents need to think of creative solutions – solutions that punish, teach and solves immediate problems. This is not parenting 101, this is graduate level parenting.
The Creative Solution:
“To help him learn a lesson, we waited a month (!!!) before replacing the dang thing. And we charged him a pretty penny for his share of it. But replace it we did. He’s back texting again.” – David Mott
David’s son is quite the texting machine, from all indications, and he’s a plugged in sort of kid. Not having the phone with him was a real punishment. It did get replaced – eventually, but he had to fork over a decent portion of the cost. I like that solution. In Norway traffic ticket fines are determined by the amount of punishment they deliver on an individual basis. So a person’s annual income determines the amount of the fine. That way the punishment is the same, relatively, across the board. That’s what this solution reminds me of. The kid still feels the pain of the loss and a sense for the cost, but it’s not too severe for the crime.
For such a seemingly trivial post it carries deep implications about our parenting styles. We expect our kids to do irresponsible things. When they do we should be ready to shoulder a portion of the cost ourselves so that the punishment is proportional for the kid. It isn’t like his cell phone usage is necessarily less important than our own (might be, but maybe not) and, if we consider our kids equal members of our families (as we should), then it doesn’t make sense to have a punishment that is disproportionally more severe for them than it would be for us. In the interest of education we have to shoulder some of the punishment (in this case the cost of a new phone); that is our job as parents – to sometimes take one for the team. Thanks, Dadshouseblog, for the excellently thought provoking material.
Related posts:
You make a great point. I also read that post, and liked the solution. Parenting styles do differ, dramatically. But solutions have to vary based on a family’s circumstances and logistics. In a single car, solo parent family – connection is essential because the coordination of schedules is impossible without it. A cell phone is part of that equation.
In another example – teens socializing, for instance – money becomes an issue. Both of my sons at different points offered to get after school jobs to help out. But no one hires (around here) under the age of 18, and even the “raking, mowing” jobs of 20 years ago are no longer handled by kids, but by unemployed adults or lawn services. My elder SON found himself a babysitting job he could walk to, so he could cover gas and his own socializing.
My younger son offers to pay for things when he can (his artistic talent brings him $ from time to time), but when he can’t, there are chores and other things he (like his brother) help with.
We’re having a teen party tonight – my younger’s first. I’m not in a position t be spending much for that; in fact, I took care of that yesterday, for little $, fortunately. And true to his word, the kid was cleaning last night (and this afternoon), before it all begins this evening. I’ve got my fingers crossed that all goes well. I know some parents would’ve simply said “no.” But when kids pitch in and demonstrate they are capable of responsibility, I think we owe them the opportunity, and learning experience, to exercise it.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Is your comfort zone holding you back? =-.
Easy come, easy go. There is less value placed on things that we didn’t have to work to get. Everyone should be able to put forth some effort for the non-essentials that are too often viewed as a birthright. The phone couldn’t have been too important to be out of reach through the laundry process. Not to mention how long it was in the stack of dirty clothes.
True true. In our family cell phones are not very important. But, to some people they are an essential item. I think it’s fair to say that most teenagers just don’t understand the value of items until they lose them. Even then they sometimes expect an easy out thus never learning any actual responsibility. I liked that there was no easy out in this instance and the punishment fit the crime.
I liked David’s solution, too. It can be a tough balance to teach kids about responsibility and consequences – and it’s an ongoing, everyday lesson.
.-= ZenMom´s last blog ..I’m not an extrovert, but I play one on the interwebs =-.
Sounds well and good for the son. But what about the sister who didn’t check the pockets before doing the laundry? There’s a bit of responsibility there that sounds like it wasn’t addressed.
Walter, that’s a good point. Didn’t think of that. Hmmm — seems like the duty of the person doing the laundry to check the pockets, doesn’t it.
Yeah, my wife and I have had a running battle (ok, more like a minor skirmish) about it ever since we got married. I empty my pockets when I get undressed. That’s my responsibility, but I still expect that she will check them before she does the laundry. I always do when I do the laundry. People make mistakes and miss things. Every now and then I forget to check my pockets. She’s the last line of defense, yet twice she’s managed to put my new cell phone through the wash. The result is that I have to buy a new phone and then can’t afford to take her to dinner. We both pay for it that way.
My solution to the problem with the irresponsible kids would have been to have them both share in the cost of replacing the phone and then to make the boy responsible for his own laundry. Boys need to learn how to do that too.