Playing Favorites: Yeah, You Do It
By: Keith
There’s no sense in arguing about it; it’s obvious, and even the experts agree it exists. If you have a sibling you’ve experienced it, whether to your benefit or not. If you’re a parent of more than one child, you’ve grappled with how not to show it. It looms in the back of all our minds. The question is not if it’s real, it is how do we deal with it. How does it manifest? How profound is it? And how do we mitigate preferential treatment shown, intentionally or not, towards one of our kids. An article written last year by Psychologists Drs. Josh Foster and Ilan Shrira for Psychology Today provides comforting support for those of us who always thought about it but never wanted to admit it. The truth is that almost every parent displays favoritism to some degree and for different reasons, some legitimate and others not. Sometimes it has a lasting negative impact on child development, sometimes not, depending on several factors. Give the article a read. It’s called When Parents Play Favorites.
My Favoritism:
I love my oldest boy, Neil, just as much as I love his brother. In the classic two kids dangling over the cliff scenario, I don’t think I’d be able to chose between them. However, I do show favoritism to his younger brother. Alan gets away with things that I otherwise wouldn’t allow Neil to get away with. Neil is the older brother and that explains some of it. Neil, even for his age, is more independently minded than Alan; he’s a tough nut to crack. He’s something of a rogue. He does things his own way without remorse for the consequences. That explains some of it too. I feel like Alan listens to me and is more teachable, so I invest more time in him. I know, that sounds bad. But, like I said, it’s not that I love Alan more than I do Neil. The two boys are just so different that my approach with them can’t be the same. I have to be more strict with Neil because I know he’ll be the one who will someday make a decision that puts him in the greatest danger. My guidance for Neil consists of generally aiming the flaming rocket away from danger. To treat him like a laser guided device would be a waste of time. He doesn’t allow it.
Admitting it is the Hard Part:
My parents showed clear favoritism toward my twin sister. It was never a question for me. They, however, seemed insulted that I even had that notion. I was insulted that they didn’t admit it. I would have understood, and all I needed was an admission of it to put my mind at ease. Instead I got treated like I was being paranoid. I never got the admission, and I never will (which today I’m fine with). My sister was less prickly than I was as a child. She was more cuddly, amiable and forgiving. She never voiced her opinions like I did. Thus, she was given a pass on many things for which I was not. I understood that much even when I was a little kid. I’ve said it before that kids aren’t stupid. They know when they’re being fed a line of bull.
One thing the doctors say in their article is that kids who are given clear reasons for why their parents treat them differently (sometimes preferentially) don’t hold grudges and they grow up just as strong as their siblings. It seems to be the parents that don’t acknowledge their parenting irregularities that cause the most harm. And that’s pretty much in line with my anecdotal evidence. I’m not an easy person to get along with, and my sister is. I get it.
Neil Gets It:
I’ve always been straightforward and truthful with Neil. When he accuses me of playing favorites, the first thing I try to decide is if I was being fair in the first place. Sometimes I realize I wasn’t being quite fair and, in those instances, I admit to him that I was wrong. I also explain my thinking to him so that he realizes I did not act out of malice towards him, that it was simply a parenting mistake and not a lack of love. Also, if I am being fair to him I tell him that he has to be treated differently in that circumstance because of X,Y and Z reasons. Again, I make it clear that it’s just a difference in parenting style and not a valuation of him as my son. Neil gets it, and I don’t think he does or will hold a grudge. The psychologists seem to agree that this is the right approach.
I might not always be perfectly fair, but I do try to be. Neil is much more like me in a lot of ways than Alan. Neil is opinionated and strong willed. He isn’t afraid to get in trouble if it means standing up for what he believes. He’s a rugged individualist in the best American sense of the term. He’s going to grow up to be someone who either makes a huge difference in the world or someone who drives a dirt bike into the top of a redwood tree during a stunt gone wrong. That’s just the way he is, and I love him for it. Currently though, that personality requires some unique parenting techniques which may or may not seem fair to him now. The best I can do is to be honest with him and always reassure him that he’s loved. Parenting isn’t easy. We all screw it up on occasion.
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Great post. “requires some unique parenting techniques” is exactly where we’re at with our oldest. Thanks for reminding me that showing favoritism happens, simblings are different, and parenting is indeed hard, but when they throw your arms around you, the frustrations fly out the window.
.-= Scott´s last blog ..When people tell me about their kids, they tell me… =-.
i find this to be a very fair minded approach to this topic. informative. thanks! I’ve always sort of seen our personalities in a similar light to what you’ve said here.. I’ve always thought of myself as the smoothed out wave pattern to your tsunami approach. You tend to have high highs and low lows.. you’re the funniest of funny approachable people and then sometimes you’re the prickliest cactus in the desert. mostly I like to focus on your funny bits because it’s SO worth it! You have a unique approach to life and you may not always be right (that’s a matter of opinion of course), but I’ve always felt lucky to be your sister and deeply indebted that mom C required that we were adopted together!
Tammy: Glad you appreciated it. Oh, you know I’m always right. It’d be better if we just establish that now
“Playing favorites” is such a derogatory expression. And with 2 boys very close in age, there is no question that I treated them differently, and still do. They are at opposite ends of the spectrum in most areas of personality type. They learned differently. Their communication skills were entirely different – and of a disclosure style that was different. Their interests are different, patience level – different. Ability to concentrate or rebel – different.
I bristle at the concept of “playing favorites” though I know many parents do. Mine did, in favor of the son over the daughter. So does it happen? Sure. Do parents treat kids differently? Of course – but hopefully, because it is appropriate and better parenting to do so. Not about “favoring” one over the other.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..Is genius doomed? Alexander McQueen takes his own life. =-.
Guilty. I favor each of my kids, but in different ways. I let my oldest stay up to watch grown-up movies on the weekend (even when she was the same age as my oldest son). When I’m at the store, I tend to buy clearance items for my son because I know his tastes better than the girls. And with my youngest daughter, I sneak in every night to kiss her while she’s asleep.
.-= Daddy Forever´s last blog ..Links Round Up – 2010.02.12 =-.