Almighty Dad | A stay at home dad blog

One of the first things I investigated when I started being a stay at home parent were playgroups.  My kids were two years old and six months old.  Playgroups seemed to be all the rage.  They still are.  Unfortunately, as I thought, they were not for me.  See, I am a man, and these groups are typically only for women.  I was lucky to be excluded because now I see how stupid they are.  Playgroups are as much for kids as cocktail parties are for kids.  Playgroups are a chance for adults to socialize with each other.  Their secondary purpose is to allow the kiddies to run around and meet new people.  Now that my kids are older I have a little perspective on the matter, and I can say, with authority, that kids at 2 years old do not need, care, or even want playgroups.  They get dragged to and fro by parents and happily engage in whatever activity their moms or dads plunk them into.  There is another secret to playgroups.  They often times take place at public parks.  Kids run around and play.  My kids can run around and play with other kids whether I am allowed to sit with a bunch of cackling, mom-jeans-wearing women or not.  Exclude me all they want, it’s no punishment.  It’s a free country, and my kids can play wherever they want on public property.

Moms Only

There are more opportunities these days for men to get together with other men and socialize than there were just a few years ago.  Still, most playgroups are organized by mothers for mothers.  That’s fine, and I think that’s how it should be.  At first I was upset to find that I was excluded from these groups on the basis of my gender.  But, the more I went to the park with the kids and actually heard the things women talk about the more I realized I didn’t want anything to do with them anyway.  Men and women are very different.  We don’t talk or care about the same things.  I go to the park for one reason, to see my kids play and have fun.  I’m perfectly happy sitting on a bench ignoring everyone else except the kids.  One of the wonders of childhood is kids’ ability to make friends with anybody anywhere.  Kids don’t need us to push them together to be friends.  They’ll make friends on their own, and public parks provide that opportunity.  All we need to do is show up.

The Purpose

From this advertisement, for a playgroup near me in Colorado, I can see that the purpose of playgroups is only tangentially related to kids.  They are really just chances for mothers to get together and gossip.  Dare I say about stupid stuff?  They have a book club,  seriously?  All I need is a map of parks and facilities.  I’m perfectly capable of jumping in the car and telling my GPS to take me someplace.  When I get to that location I’ll be reasonably sure that there will also be other parents and other kids present.  Bingo!  Playgroup acquired!  Even if there is nobody else at said location I’m confident that I can make use of the time.  It isn’t like I’m going to stand around motionless waiting for another force to act upon me.  The point here is this:  if I was a person who needed the support of other parents then I would join a playgroup.  If all I want is my kids to play, meet kids, and learn things then I’ll continue doing what I’m doing which is following maps to interesting places and finding adventure wherever I go.  Playgroups aren’t for kids.

Dads Only

I find it somewhat strange that there are dads out there who are replicating the mom model of playgroups.  It is an established fact that men and women are not the same.  Our brains are wired differently.  Why, then, would men want to emulate the playgroup mentality of women?  Being a stay at home dad is rewarding, and it is fun.  I like it, but I like it because I do it how I want to do it.  I learned, in the first few years of this job, that the only way I can successfully do this job is to do it on my terms.  I am not going to abdicate being a man simply because I am staying at home with the kids, a traditional women’s job.  Too many stay at home dads have given up being men.  I’ve been at the park and seen small groups of men socializing together and thought to myself, why aren’t they tossing a football around?  I don’t like to talk to other men.  I can’t understand why men who stay at home with the kids seem to have become women.  I think there is nothing wrong with doing the same job in a slightly different way.  Women found a way to do it on their terms, and I think men can too.

Playgroups are not for me.  At first, when I was excluded, I thought I was being denied an important part of my children’s development.  I was wrong.  Playgroups are not for kids.  They are designed to support women’s need for social interaction.  There is no shame in that; I also want to be socially active.  I just don’t have the same needs as women.  My kids are not missing out on anything.  Men who don’t participate in playgroups have no need to feel guilty.  They aren’t missing anything that most men want anyway.  There are men who, for whatever reason, want the experience of a playgroup.  I can’t say I understand it.  These days there are more opportunities for that experience even if, as I believe, they are crude imitations of women’s clubs.    My two kids might have a mildly different experience than their peers, but they are nevertheless well balanced and healthy.  As a parent, man or woman, that is all I want.

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