Online Dating Turns Men into Fools
By: Keith
I‘ve never used an online dating service but I do know a little something about the business through interactions with friends who have made fortunes in the realm of the marketing of online dating. In order to sell it one must understand it. What I’ve learned is not practical, but it is interesting. The nice thing about online dating is that, until you’re discovered as a fraud, you can pretend to be anything you want. Being deceptive about age and weight doesn’t last long in the real world, but online people can get away with it for as long as they remain semi-anonymous. And I always wondered who lied more during the creation of online profiles, men or women? Research from Cornell University has partially answered my question. The data says that 13% of women online daters lie about their age while 24% of men did the same (younger). And that got me thinking about male vanity. Why do almost twice as many men lie about their ages as women? My speculation has to why has to do with both vanity and competition.
My friend (who ran Yahoo personal’s PPC budget for a few years) tells me that there are more men dating online than women, but some sites are more and other’s less. eHarmony, for instance, has more women than men because it focuses on long term relationships. There are some sites (not surprisingly the trashier, say, the more feral sites) that have up to 70% men. I’m told the average is 55% male across the board. Does competition, or the fear of competition where the odds are even, account for the higher rate of male age deception? I speculate that it does. Or is it all about male vanity? Maybe that too. What is there specifically in age about which men are more keen than women in hiding?
The Fragile Male Ego:
We frequently talk about women being sensitive to criticism, but I can imagine men being equally albeit less vocally sensitive about how they look too. When it comes to dating online men might be no different than they are in real life. It’s possible that men are revealing their own fears by lying. Do men think women care about the same things that they care about in a mate – specifically, a body? Women though, as a rule, don’t care as much about what you look like as they do what you think. The fact that eHarmony has a majority female membership is testimony to that fact. Long term relationships happen when there is some emotional connection beyond physical beauty (even though looks do help). Men are trapped by their own misplaced expectation. Since they are looking for attractive mates, and young means attractive to many people, they expectedly lie without realizing they’re lying about the wrong thing (I don’t know the stats on how badly people lie about their income). The fact is that men don’t want to be old and ugly. Conversely, I think women do not lie as much about their ages because it doesn’t occur to them that that bit should be something important enough about which to lie. They might lie about their weight or education or something else, but not age.
Competition:
My other theory has to do with competition. The world has more women than men (even though slightly more boys are born than girls), but there are more men than women who are dating online. In the real world we think it is women who are most careful to preen and be attractive because the pool from which they have to choose a mate is smaller than the number of people available to date. Now, if the circumstances were reversed, as it is online, would we see men being the ones who spend hours in front of the mirror? Our inclination as a species to beautify ourselves is driven by competition. Are men just as susceptible to that as women? Is this why men lie about their ages? Is it because they know they have to stand out from the competition in dating’s equivalence to musical chairs? It seems reasonable.
Am I right?
I don’t know if I’m right about why men lie about their age online more than women. I have my opinions, but those opinions could be totally wrong. What do you think? Do you think it’s because men telegraph their fears? Or do you think it’s a natural competitive instinct that is present in the whole species regardless of gender? If I had grant money to study that question, it would be intriguing to uncover the truth. If anybody knows of a complete study on the matter, let me know because I’m curious.
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I can’t imagine men lying about age…..weight, job, degree, etc….. yes! But age…..? Really!!!!???? I’m so glad I’ve never had to do this!!!! The dating world is a different place these days. But, I know of at least one successful marriage from online dating…so who knows? Best of luck to everyone to find their “soul mate”.
Angie: I was shocked about that too. Which sorta led to my trying to think of reasons. I’m glad I never had to do that either. I think the dating world is not a place I’d like to go again. I got engaged after knowing Mely for 3 weeks. I figured if I was going to do it that I might as well just dive right in. I’m not exactly Don Juan so I couldn’t imagine getting it right a second time
I’m going to say the answer depends on what type of dating site you are talking about. On a site like eHarmony it takes forever to create a profile, so I would venture to guess most men that aren’t serious about finding real prospects won’t waste their time. I can say this from experience because my wife and I met on eHarmony nearly six years ago. I had never tried any other online dating site before, but had visited a few – like match. com when it first got going. I was curious to see how eHarmony was different and 500 most repetitive questions later you had some matches. The thing I liked about it was that you couldn’t just scan the site like some meat market. You only got to view the profiles that matched your criteria. It was definitely an interesting model and, quite frankly, it worked out well for me.
.-= PJ Mullen´s last blog ..What has green spots and is pink all over? =-.
PJ: I didn’t know you and your wife met on eHarmony. That’s cool! From what I know, eHarmony makes a concerted effort to to attract only the most serious long term relationship seekers. As a result it ends up with a slightly higher female population. But, like you say, men don’t like filling out forms. I somehow missed that you guys met online. Yes, you do make a good example of how it’s done
People will lie about anything that will make them look better- especially if they can get away with it.
.-= Dennis Yu´s last blog ..A clever trick to automatically invite all your Facebook friends to be fans of your page =-.
Fascinating topic and well said! Statistics aside, at eHarmony we believe that it’s in the interest of both men and women to be honest and upfront, while presenting their attractive qualities through specific profiles and clear photos. Lying about anything can only be an obstacle to finding a real, satisfying long-term relationship. You can follow me on Twitter @eHarmony_jack or visit our Facebook Page at (put link in URL space)
Yo creo que los hombres al fijarnos más en lo fisico en una mujer pensamos que ellas tambien y por eso mentimos. Pero la mujer aparte de lo fisico, piensa un poco mas y mira lo que somos. Puede pensar que su pareja le debe gustar como ella. Es mi opinion pero.
Pues yo trabajaba en un club de singles y los hombres querian siempre mujeres más jovenes y a las mujeres no les importaba realmente. Me parece que los hombres más nos dejamos llevar por la atraccion fisica y la mujer busca una relación.
seems most do lie about something if they don’t hide there account from there spouce ,thats one sign having 75 male friends thinking there single setting facebook to private ,sometimes doesn’t work ,we stuill finfd out ,thats my job to do it ,,but great article ,but find women lie about there age or status or hid it ,just like there way of talking too,some seem to have to talk or tell there friends things they should talk to there husbands about ,seems the world changed to the place though you can’t trust what half the people represent them self or try to online expecially when they think there hidden ,to bad places like facebook and other sites goof up on ther privavcy settings makes our job as a PI ewasier to find out some ones activity ,always rmember you put it on the internet some on will see it never assume your hidden
Here’s the thing, when a man lies on his dating profile it will backfire on him. It’s a subtle form of approval seeking and supplicating and he’s worried too much about rejection. Guys should stop caring so much, because that’s what makes him attractive to a woman