Kids and Bullies
”We find that bullies have a strong need to control others. Their need to be dominant masks an underlying fear that they are not in control, and they mask the sense of inadequacy by being a bully.” – Dr. Lochman, Duke University Medical School.
We all know a bully or two. We dealt with them in school and we deal with them now, in our daily adult lives. They are people who, like the above research states, are insecure and paranoid to such an extent that they feel the need to dominate other people. The article goes on to say that bullies who do not change their ways are destined for lifelong failure and misery. It makes me almost feel sorry for them – almost. Thankfully there is other research that has uncovered that bullies actually enjoy watching suffering. I suddenly don’t feel so sympathetic towards them. The study doesn’t ask if bullies also like to inflict pain, but all the bullies I’ve ever known seem to enjoy what they’re doing. Bullies are twisted and abusive people who need to be either stopped or avoided. Deciding which road to take depends on personality. Some kids are quiet and non-confrontational. Other kids are direct and assertive. We can’t ask assertive kids to walk away any more than we can ask quiet kids to be forceful. There is no one solution that works for everybody.
Confrontation
Bullies tend to target a particular type of person. Usually it is a passive person who doesn’t have many friends and who is easily intimidated, hardly the type of person who could stand up for themselves. The bully knows that this type of person can never defend himself alone, and the bully relies on a sociological phenomena known as diffusion of responsibility. People in large groups tend to do nothing when they see an injustice being done. It’s because responsibility to act is not specifically assigned to anybody in random large groups. People will ignore pleas for help because they believe someone else will take care of it. The most famous example of it happened in the 1960’s when Kitty Genovese was murdered outside her apartment building where dozens of people heard her cries for help and did nothing to intervene.
The weak among us need our protection. Bullies rely on people being passive observers to injustice. All it takes is one or two people to intervene to stop a bully. I read an article recently that encouraged kids to not intervene when they see bullying because they would be putting themselves at risk. Although there is risk in confronting a bully there is more risk in doing nothing –
“First they came for the Communists, but I was not a Communist so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Socialists and the Trade Unionists, but I was neither, so I did not speak out. Then they came for the Jews, but I was not a Jew so I did not speak out. And when they came for me, there was no one left to speak out for me.” – Martin Niemoeller
We cannot allow bullies to pick on someone else because we think it’s not our problem. We have a moral responsibility to defend each other so that when it is our turn to be bullied there is someone to stand up for us.
Avoidance
There was a time in high school that I was bullied a little. It wasn’t serious, but it taught me a few lessons. I learned that some bullies can be dealt with by ignoring them. Not all bullies use physical violence to dominate their victims. Sometimes they are verbal bullies who are witty or funny somehow and who use that skill to attack less verbally skilled people. In order to diffuse verbally abusive people we need only to ignore them. I knew, for instance, in high school, that I wasn’t going to defeat my bully in a battle of wits and popularity. I had some friends and I wasn’t lonely. I spent time with my friends and engaged in activities that I enjoyed. My bully eventually moved on because he saw that I didn’t really care about him anymore. My bully thrived on seeing me get upset and tied in knots over his insults. When that enjoyment went away so did he. Avoidance works best when the bully not physically dangerous.
Calling the Authorities
School authorities are next to useless in dealing with inter student conflicts. Their reaction is almost always to talk it out. I’m sorry, but that’s a crock. Reasoning with bullies seems like a big waste of time. I can’t remember the last time I’ve heard a bully say, “Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I was wrong.” I read an article that says it’s very important for kids who are bullied to tell an adult. My question is why? What good will that do? When the bully finds out who told on him, and he will, the bullying becomes worse, not better. Look at our prison population, 56 percent of violent criminals are repeat offenders. In other words prison doesn’t work for reducing crime, and detention doesn’t stop bullies. Prison only serves to remove an immediate threat. That threat still exists; it’s just waiting to get out and cause problems again. Every kid has a cell phone, or access to one, these days. If bullying is particularly violent and serious kids should directly call the cops. The police will remove the immediate danger and at least give the victim some temporary peace to devise a game-plan for the next time. For minor and less aggressive bullying it’s best to deal with it without involving administrators or parents. And that is why friendships are so important for kids. It gives them someone to talk to who isn’t in a possition of authority, someone who they talk to and confide in. Friends support each other, and that’s just what kids need when facing a bully.
Parents need to take an active role in their children’s education. We have to teach our kids basic lessons of ethics and sociology. When kids know that it is within their power to stop bullying they can act appropriately after recognizing group-think and diffusion of responsibility when they see them. The weakest among us need protection from bullies. Most people do nothing when they see an injustice. Teach kids to stand up for what is right by being assertive and smart. Bullies cannot be reasoned with, they must be stopped. When a bully is particularly dangerous it is best to call the cops and let them deal with it as a crime situation. School administrators are useless piles of government waste and allowing them to fix a bully problem is about as effective as allowing the UN to mediate anything – Lot’s of sternly worded documents but not much else. Kids need friends to lean on for support. Most problems are manageable when there is someone to talk to about it. As parents we should be helping our kids make friends by involving them in community activities and allowing them free time to make neighborhood friends. Friendships make kids more confident and reduce their chances of being bullied. Bullying is a serious problem. It can be stopped with group action and a little self confidence.
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If all else fails- call Guido! Another good article.
My experience was that friends made all the difference in the world. I was bullied badly when I was young, and it only got better when I found some friends who would help stand up for me. They remain my friends to this day.
Paradox13VA´s last blog ..The Media Should Ignore Lies
Bullying is a terrible problem in schools, and you’re right — having friends makes all the difference. You’ve got to have someone who’s looking out for you. Not only to work as a team but for emotional support as well. Very true. Thanks for the comment.