Is This How Black People Feel?
By: Keith
What do you do when you’re the only one of your kind in a crowd, minding your own business, doing the same thing everyone else in the crowd is doing, and you’re singled out by a suspicious person for interrogation? In my case, this morning, I was the only dad at gymnastics among perhaps two dozen mothers and grandmothers, and it was a grandmother who went out of her way to make me feel uncomfortable for existing. I’m not surprised that it was a grandmother because, frankly, mothers these days know better. Nevertheless, this grandmother interrogated me about my need to be watching children doing gymnastics like every other person at the time was doing. She wasn’t subtle about it either.
The Scenario:
I have been taking my youngest son to gymnastics at the North Boulder Recreation Center every Tuesday morning for the past 2 years. Today was no different. It is the third week of a new session so there are new faces in the crowd (including the grandma in question). To my knowledge today was the first day that this grandma had been at gymnastics; she hadn’t seen me before (not that I hadn’t been there for the past two years like clockwork or anything). I delivered my boy to his class and went topside to watch from the bleachers. There were no available seats in the bleachers so I stood at the window. I was wearing a fedora (like I always do in the winter), slacks and a collared button up shirt. I didn’t look weird and I wasn’t unshaven. I was there for maybe 10 minutes before this grandma lady approached me from her place in the bleachers to ask where my child was in the class.
My Business:
The first words she spoke to me: “Excuse me – Do you have a child in this class?” I looked this lady in the face, and her expression (pursed lips) and eyes told me to distrust her; she didn’t ask in that pitched tone that tells you someone is making small talk. She asked in that way you would ask a kid what he’s doing when you catch him with his hand is in the cookie jar. She also went out of her way to approach me. Thus I was defensive. Appropriately I replied, “You’ll have to keep wondering,” and I remained standing there. Other mothers heard the question and were looking nervously at me as if silently slapping their foreheads at the inquisition. They knew who I was and I think they were embarrassed for me, like watching an episode of the office; it’s funny but it’s so so uncomfortable. I expected one of them to interject on my behalf. But they didn’t. The grandma didn’t like my snarky reply so she decided the next best thing was to just make me uncomfortable which, I’m sorry to say, worked. “If you don’t have a child in the class…” Before she finished, I moved down the hall to another window; she watched me, then she followed me. I moved back to my original spot; she followed me again. After 10 minutes I just gave up and stood in one spot and pretended to ignore her as she hovered next to me.
The end of class came, and Alan came up to me and we left. I did not acknowledge the woman, but I wonder if she’ll apologize to me the next time she sees me. Maybe she’ll convince herself that her behavior can be passed off as innocent or that she was just asking a simple friendly question and I was the aggressor. People can convince themselves of a lot when they are faced with humility. I sometimes get mothers at the park who assume I need every piece of advice from them even though I’ve been at home with my kids for 7 years and they’re with infants and toddlers. But, as blatantly sexist as that is, it’s not half as bad as how this grandma lady treated me. I’ve never been made to feel like this before for being a stay at home dad. I’m not normally so defensive, but this lady had some serious issues with me which caused me to become prickly. What about you? Have you ever been treated like a criminal for doing nothing more than existing?
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ok so with me being of another color G’ma prob would have called the police on me rather than even approach me(man TV does no justice for us good guys)LOL!!!and im really silly at times so G’ma woulda been the one feeling awkward when i got done but it is funny how we as SAHD’s get treated in public i get doors held open for me now intead of them getting let go in my face people offer to carry stuff to my car now (only when i have MJ) and i tell people im not handicap i do this everyday i deal with stupid stuff like sir we need to hold your bag behind the counter while you shop but the lady that walked in before me has a purse big enough to carry my son in so i most of the time respond OK but if my son shits in his pamper your changing it since you want this bag that makes more people stutter and say well i didnt know that was a diaper bag and im sure we both can come up with stories that could keep us laughing for week.we go to Little Gym which is gymnastics oriented but its a really diverse crowd who most of the time mor interested in how i can afford to stay home rather than me doing fun and possitive activities with my son.
Yeah STLDADDY! What would she have done to me if I were black too? I’d be in handcuffs on the way to the slammer! It’s funny how we can drift though life completely unaware of people like this until we are put in a position of being a little different and it becomes clear. I’ve never had anything like that happen in my last 7 years at home with my boys, but I guess it only takes one, right? Thanks for the visit!
WOW!! That’s all I can say
How dare she!!
Thanks for the support, Rebecca. Most moms my age are completely aware of our changing social structure these days. It’s usually the older generations that can’t get past their own insecurities. Even they though are 99% supportive. It really is a very small minority of people who are like this, but every one inflicts a lot of damage.
You were much nicer than I would have been.
Thanks, PJ! I thought I did pretty well, but like I told Clint, in retrospect I wish I had been a little meaner. I guess I’m a chicken
That is terrible. I dread the inevitable encounters i surely face in the future. I already get the “Aww, isn’t that cute that that dead beat dad would take his kid to the park by himself.” But that doesn’t bug me too much. On a lighter note, my wife’s grandmother actually threatened to kill me when she found out that I would be the one staying home and caring for our newborn. We since smoothed out our differences. The younger generation seems to be more understanding though.
Jeremiah, I’m sure you’ll get some. Every stay at home dad eventually get’s faced with something like it. I’ve never had it quite like this, but there have been many small cutting little things that add up and get under your skin eventually. They tend to make us all a little defensive about being parents. It’s hard to remember to treat every incident as if it’s the first.
I’m with PJ – I would have given that women something to go home and cry about. Just about every home dad I know has got a story similar and there’s nothing more annoying and belittling. Still, I counter this by imagining that most women would have gone through some pretty ordinary treatment as they where moving into the boardrooms and offices (without the pervert insinuation). Despite stories like this it feels to me as if things are changing and hopefully this sort of thing won’t happen so often as the stay at home dad numbers increase. Look forward to finding out how this women responds next time you meet.
Clint, I really wanted to say something to make her feel the same way as me, but I didn’t have the guts for it
i wish I had in retrospect! I think you’re right. It’s only a matter of time before we claim our place in the parenting world and are accepted. until then, we’ll just have to go on thinking of how to defend ourselves.
wow, you handled that well. I’d never have thought of such a snarky comment.. or had the fortitude to hold out under her glare until the end of class! I hope she sees the error of her ways, but you’re right, she probably will make it out in her mind like you were at fault because you didn’t just simply answer her question. Hope she’s there next week… this needs a sequel!! (did I spell that even close to right?)
Tammy, I thought I handled it splendidly. Remember the red pen incident? That’s what this reminds me of
That is terrible! My husband is at home with our 2 (almost 3) year old son. He is the one who takes him to story time, gymnastics, appointments, etc. He has yet to be made to feel uncomfortable…but he knows it is just a matter of time. I have received a lot of ?’s about why we chose for him to be home instead of me…really, seriously??? It does seem that the ones who are snobbishly concerned about our choice are the middle/older generations. I always explain that we made a joint decision before my son was born and we could not be happier…I really feel that my husbands ‘at home’ status has helped our son become the wonderful little boy he is. Some people are thoughtless and rude…I am sorry that you met one of the worst ones Tues. I am interested to hear how she reacts next week (if she comes back)!
Lori, You’re right. Every stay at home dad I know has experienced some degree of discrimination on the job. I suppose we’re getting a chance to see how minorities and women have felt for so long
It’s strange though that women, in this case, are the ones doing the discriminating. It’s definitely a very small minority of them, but you’d think they’d know better, right?
How strange. I am going to look at the other angle though for comment as this tension could have easily been avoided if you chose to let it go and bring her in as a person to validate her concern and ease her mind. Many of us have wrongly accused or suspected people of something not warranted at some point in our lives. Sometimes there were grounds for suspicion but either way she chose to put the x% chance you were trouble for the children before your feelings or social ease. When you answered as you did it only raised her suspicions in trusting you. It WAS sexist but on the other hand…statistically, she is actually correct that males are more dangerous in that type situation than females. Possibly the world would be safer with more concerned people like her around.
It does not account for the fact she did not approach you with any tact. That type of behavior does not make social interactions more fun anyway!
In that case, Goss, Why didn’t she just call the cops on me before having any actionable information? Because, statistically speaking, however insignificant those statistics are, she’d have an argument? let’s just say for arguments sake that I’m no good, not even cops can stop a person without reasonable cause. you’re saying this lady, not a cop, has reasonable cause because of my gender? hardly, and I’m not about to play that dumb game. She should have called the cops, I wouldn’t answer their questions either. Then, if they drag me away, I’d sue both them and grandma for child endangerment (leaving my kid without his parent). No, sorry, I don’t buy it. Oh, and discrimination. There’s whole piles of legislation that says you can’t treat someone preferentially because of their skin, gender or sexual preference.
This is for sure a good topic and I am not trying to sell you a point to buy. I am giving you another side as there are many in life in any situation – judge them as we may. One true statement is we all decide when to create war or peace with another. You chose to war with her and I say this with no judgement. I too have chosen war many times, and many of those wish I had not.
In the bigger picture she may have had some historically or recent bad experiences with me in fedora’s. There are so many unknowns in this… but you had the opportunity to TRY and change her mind about whatever her fears were. This is nothing but factual and again I am not judging you as you WERE attacked.
In the land of egos attacking and defending are all create the same outcome. So the question is when do we attack, defend, or try and see something more inside a person even when we are being attacked.
Hmmm, Goss. I guess you’re right about that. I could have chosen to make her more comfortable with me. But, like you say, I chose war because I’m a type 1 personality who is always seeking justice. It became a fight, in my mind, because she perpetrated an injustice on me, and I’m not one to back down when attacked. But, you’re right. If I had wanted to then I could have appeased her and soothed her fears, perhaps even become her friend. I say I attacked her with good cause, not just because she attacked me, but because she attacked an ideal that I am passionate about. She ignorantly attacked me without cause because of an irrational fear she has. Her reasoning might have made sense to her, but she hurts lots of people when she makes assumptions about stay at home dads which are not based in reality (not her reality, societal reality).
That never happened to me when I took care of my oldest child full-time about eight years ago, but I did get a lot of stares. Back then, I was the only dad at parks, library, and ballet class.
Keith,
That woman is all too typical– to judge you as perhaps a pedophile or some other kind of weirdo. If anything, people who are overly righteous likely have something deep and dirty hidden in their lives– such that they have to attack you to justify their own shortcomings. For her to assume evil about you says more about her than about you.
Way to stand up to idiots like that! Would be interesting to see if she comes back later and finds that all the other kids and parents know you and greet you, while she is the outsider that nobody seems to know. You come regularly and are there for your kids– this is likely her first time there. That will turn the tables.
Will she graciously apologize? Will you graciously accept her if she does?
Keith you rock man I just like angles and please be the first person to email me to chill on my replies. I love the stuff you bring up and encourage you to continue.
Sincerely
Goss
Call me an idealist, but… I think it’s excellent for every adult to get a good dose of being the “minority” – and some sense of what that feels like.
My sons have been the minority in their public schools from the beginning, and as it is and has been “normal” for them, the diversity with which they’ve grown up is also normal. They have been white faces in a predominantly black and hispanic system, and oddly, I think the fact that they are of a minority religion has been stranger for them. Faces of many colors? No big deal. For some of us – it’s exactly what we want for our children, carried into their adulthood.
As a woman, I’ve been the minority in the business world, and was, in a technology field when there were few enough women in business, much less in hard core tech in the early 80s. It wasn’t easy. It didn’t feel good. But it is what it is, and I learned to be creative in garnering the respect I needed to do my job.
Time in a “minority position” is good for all of us. Walk in the other guy’s shoes, and see what it’s like.
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..An apple for the teacher =-.
And she was a jerk; you held your ground. What else is there?
.-= BigLittleWolf´s last blog ..An apple for the teacher =-.
keith,
i understand what you say about being a type-a personality and i dont know this woman’s intention or background, but there a lot of people afraid of a man around young children, which is appropriate but also gone overboard.
why not just say, my child is in the class and give her the cold shoulder. i think it still accomplishes your goal but it isnt as much picking a fight back.
who knows, some old ladys are big pains in the ass. but there are a lot of old people that are picked on.
i am pretty paranoid myself, and yet, people are also out to get me.
gotta love xanax
Jason. I am not a type A personality. I am a type 1 personality — those are people who seek justice above anything else. And, I’m going to emphatically disagree with you about the appropriateness of being afraid of a man around children. You’ll have to explain what you know about statistics that makes that assertion warranted. Perhaps it’s the 24 hr cable news that has skewed our perception of reality on the matter. I do not have to answer to anybody about my right to be anywhere. All those people who are afraid of me because I’m a man are no better than the people who are afraid of black people because they’re black. there are signs to look for if someone is being suspicious. A person’s personality and demeanor can tell you what they’re up to. Skin color or gender aren’t on the list of determining factors, sorry. That’s called racism and sexism. No way around that definition. I don’t mean to be contentious about this, but I’m also not going to back down about it. I was the one who was wronged. Not the other way around.
hey keith.
i am just trying to defend an old lady, as if she is a crazy old lady.
if she was just a mean old lady then she can take a leap
have a good weekend.
Yeah, Jason. I think I know what you’re getting at. And, you’re right, sometimes older people have a harder time changing their stubborn positions even when faced with being completely wrong. I have thought about how it could have been had I been more understanding with her. But, in the end I think I wasn’t really rude to her as much as I probably made her even more paranoid. I think people’s fears tend to control them. If someone is already afraid then it doesn’t take much to petrify them. I think this lady went from being wrong and unbalanced to completely unhinged. The sad part is that I might have assuaged her fears by being more open with her, but I didn’t have it in me to tolerate that sort of behavior.
Oh, and thanks for visiting and commenting. I really do appreciate the open dialog even I do seem, at least on this issue, to be a total jerk
hey, almost everyone can be a jerk sometimes
even ganhdi pissed me off once by cutting in front of me in line at starbucks (he needed change for a parking meter) sheesh
i think overall in this country people are more and more isolated from each other and from their community. there are not many safety nets and i think that scares people. also, in general, i think we have forgotten old people in this country. they dont live with families often, they move into an old folks home or old folks community and they are isolated from the community at large.
there is one crazy/mean old lady in my neighborhood (probably more than one, but one that i know) she just hates dogs and my neighborhood there are tons of dogs. i walk my very well behaved, but very friendly and sometimes obtrusive dog off leash in a park that is not an off leash dog park, but hey, i know most of the people there and i dont take my dog inside the childrens play area (and i pickup her poop). anyways, this lady, if she is around will go off on anyone with their dog off leash and harass them, say she will call the cops, etc.
one time my dog was tied up outside our neighborhood grocery store, there are always multiple dogs there, and my dog is well known there, one of the store managers keeps a bowl of water out front for the dogs. this same lady gave the manager a piece of her mind, about dogs arent customers, and then dumped the water bowl on the ground. the store manager came out and got in a shouting match with this lady…
anyways, my point is this lady: no one was going to tell her to calm down, she was a crazy old lady, though maybe she got bit by a dog as a child. who knows, maybe there are reasons that she is crazy.
one thing i have learned in life, there are two sides to every story between two people.
good discussion.
thanks and have a good weekend.