Is Chivalry Dead?
By: Keith
Okay, technically speaking, chivalry has been dead for a long long time. We, in our modern times, do not ride around on horses with lances and swords, and we do not have fiefdoms and serfs, and most of us do not seek the church’s blessings before embarking on our careers. Chivalry is quite assuredly and irrevocably dead. I wonder though if our modern, incorrect, definition of chivalry is dead. We think of it as being the courtesies we extend to women because they are women, things like opening doors, pulling out seats, giving up our seats on the bus and any number of other small things we are supposed to do for women. A blogging friend of mine recently asked me what I teach the boys about chivalry. And it got me thinking. She wrote a thoughtful article about chivalry which was somewhat illuminating to me since she wrote it from a woman’s perspective. The question is this: What do we teach our boys, if anything, about showing an extra degree of politeness and courtesy to women? Is it sexist to teach them to treat women differently?
Common Courtesy
There are certain things we all do for each other just to get along and be polite. We say please and thank you. We look people in the eyes when they are talking and reply to letters and e-mails promptly. When we don’t do these things people notice, man or woman. If people think we’re rude we’ll be less likely to get what we want from them. The truth is that everybody wants something, and people are polite because they anticipate doing favors and having those favors returned. Otherwise there would be no need to smile or be courteous. Common courtesy is necessary to get along in life. Everybody should have it and everybody should expect it in return.
Girls
In the case of girls there are some women who appreciate courtesy and there are others who do not. It’s important to be able to tell the difference. Just like parents are keen to teach their daughters what sorts of boys are unacceptable, I want to teach my boys which kinds of women should be avoided. I wouldn’t call myself overly chivalrous, but I do hold doors for women and I stand up and offer my seat. I do little things, and I think I’m generally polite. But, do I do it for all women? Nope. I don’t. There is a lot that personal appearance can tell you about people. I can’t describe a stereotypical woman that I wouldn’t extend chivalrous courtesies to except to say that I know them when I see them. It’s a smile and a nod that do it for me. We all know friendly people when we see them and we all know grumps. I can see the grumps coming, and I hurry away from them. I would like to teach my boys that they should do chivalrous things for girls when those girls want or deserve chivalrous things to be done for them. Otherwise it’s best to just treat them like a guy.
What they Expect
To be honest, I don’t really know. My blogger friend says that most women appreciate chivalrous behavior out of men and most don’t see it as sexist. They see it as being polite and recognizing that women are different in some ways than men. I’m glad that’s the case because I enjoy doing nice things for women. I don’t like to treat women like my other guy friends. I want to open doors and help them with their coats and do those little things. Sure, I appreciate a thank you and a smile, but I also just enjoy doing nice things. What I don’t like is guessing whether or not I’m going to get accused of being a male pig if I treat a woman differently. That’s why I avoid the hippies. I just don’t want to have that discussion. I am who I am and I’d prefer not to have to change just because it’s in fashion.
I haven’t given my boys any real lessons in chivalry yet. I have relied on my ability to lead by example, and I hope they follow my lead. I might not always do it right when it comes to women; they are mysteries after all. I can’t be expected to always know what to do around women; my boys will learn that soon enough too. Although men sometimes make fools of themselves for the sake of women, it is nevertheless important to try, at the very least, to be courteous and polite and to treat women like we suppose they’d want to be treated. Old fashioned chivalry is dead, but women and men are nevertheless different, and that deserves a nod of recognition. My boys will learn – I’m still learning.
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It’s a wonderful and much appreciated act to me when a man is courteous. It tells me he hasn’t been neutered by the angry hags of society that wish there to be no difference between the sexes yet cling to their contempt of males. You should be proud of both this kindness to some and defiance of the others.
Thanks! If there is one thing I can’t stand it’s people telling me to be somebody else. You are exactly right! why would these feminists say there is no difference between the sexes and at the same time despise their male counterparts? Seems a little contradictory.
i don’t understand your explanation of women who do not “deserve” chivalrous treatment, or women who must be “avoided” based on their appearance. are you implying a tattooed, bespectacled woman that looks or acts like janeane garofalo must be avoided, or even treated like “a guy”? what does that even mean?
Sara: I mean exactly what I said. Some women you want to go the extra mile for (beyond being simply friendly) and others you don’t. Yes, physical appearance has something to do with it, and so does attitude; they go hand in hand. Sorry it didn’t make sense to you. I wrote this a long time ago, and my writing was admittedly not that great at the time (I swear it’s improved). I actually forgot about this article. hmmm