Almighty Dad | A stay at home dad blog

I don’t like to see my kids fail.  But they do.  Their feelings on the matter are what will either guide them to success or see them struggle later in life.  What we can do as parents is to teach our kids that failure is healthy.  Parents should impart a few eternal truths about failure that, when absorbed, will almost certainly assure that kids grow up with a balanced sense of themselves.  One of these truths is that humans fail; all humans fail, and we do it often.   It’s also important that kids learn never to take life too seriously while, at the same time, keeping a sense of optimism.  They need to be discouraged from any sense of entitlement; life is rewarding when we are the ones responsible for our own success.  The most important lesson to learn from mistakes and loss is that one failure, two failures, or even a long chain of failures does not allude to future failure.  Finally, and most obviously, success is predicated on action!

Optimism

Imagine a kid stepping up for his turn at bat.  He has struck out on his last two trips to bat.  This time he needs to either get on base or else the inning, and maybe the game, will be over.  This is what is known as a pressure situation.  If he steps into the batters box overly burdened by the last two times he was at bat then his performance during this trip will suffer.  Worry and doubt are some of the biggest stumbling blocks to success.  Kids should learn that their unsuccessful past attempt are water under the bridge.  Every new effort deserves fresh optimism.  Chances of success increase dramatical when one demonstrates a can-do attitude.

Everybody’s doing it

Kids cannot start to think that their failures are unique only to them.  Everybody is a failure in their own special way.  It is counterproductive to think of one’s self as inherently flawed.  Stepping into that batters box with the notion that everyone else in the dugout would hit the ball and get on base, if given the chance, is not constructive.  The truth is that the other kids in the dugout have all been in similar situations and failed.  Some of them might be terrific athletes, thereby avoiding the appearance of struggle while playing a sport.  Those kids have difficulties in other areas.  There is nobody who is immune to feeling pressure and who hasn’t cracked under that pressure.  Kids have to realize that they are not alone.  There is a danger, with anybody who feels that failure has a special lock on them, of self loathing and isolation.  Educating kids that their efforts are equally rewarded over the long run, and that fate doesn’t have it in for them, is important.

Entitlement

Life does not owe anybody anything; getting an “F” on a test is not life’s fault.  There will be curve-balls (I like baseball) and mishaps all along the way.  I have seen kids in school who got poor grades when they expected to do better.  Many of them fixated on how they deserved better, how it wasn’t their fault, that the teacher needed to retract and correct their grade.  These kids never took a critical look at their work.  Did they deserve an “F”?  To them it was that they were too good to have fallen, that there must be something wrong with the system.  There might indeed be something wrong with the system.   Who cares?  How does that help right now?  Sometimes failing is an opportunity to take a new direction.  People who focus too intently on the things that are out of their controll don’t leave open other, maybe better, possibilities.  It’s possible that receiving an “F” was a good thing.  Maybe it could have been used to relieve pressure, making it easier to focus on learning rather than maintaining grades.  There is no entitlement in life, and there are many alternate routes to the top.  Adults need to learn that as much as kids.

Are You Serious?!

There is almost nothing in life that is terribly serious.  How many of us have seen kids stressing themselves out over minor problems?  That is terribly unhealthy.  And how many times have we seen parents yelling at kids over stupid, stupid things?  It really is silly to cry over spilled milk and even worse to yell at a kid for it.  Being overly serious can become a stumbling block to success.  Kids need to keep their sense of humor.  A kid who falls off a bike might writhe around on the ground sobbing or he can laugh it off and get back up.  I’m a fast runner, and sometimes I win.  When I don’t win I shrug my shoulders and go have a beer, I’ll do better next time.  What I don’t do is brood over my failure; it’s just a race, right.  Worry, fear, and stress get in the way of success.  It occupies precious space in one’s psyche that could be better used for positive reinforcement.

Forward March!

At the end of the day it’s all about getting up and moving forward.  That kid who fell off the bike and is still on the ground crying about it – is still on the ground crying about it.  Other kids have already gotten on the bike, fallen another 15 times, and are climbing back on for a 17^th try.  Who do we suppose will be victorious first?  Parents are cheerleaders and drill instructors.  We cheer our kids and encourage them, but when they have trouble moving forward we need to force them to get up, face their problems, and keep trudging on.  We should be our children’s’ cheerleaders without being their crutches.  Help them up, yes.  Carry them, no.  When they can keep going on their own then we know we’ve done a good job.

My kids have encountered failure many times already.  It has been, on occasion, a word in a book that they cannot figure out.  It has been their inability to perform a stroke while swimming.  They have failed at gymnastics and at math.  They have failed at little things like carrying a drink to the table in the upright position.  They have done poorly on tests, too.  None of that is important.  Our kids will be successful in life if they know how to deal with inevitable failure.  By ditching any sense of entitlement and remaining optimistic kids can learn to quickly change direction when they find one path not to their liking.  Keeping a sense of humor, and being able to laugh off mistakes is also an invaluable trick.  It is much better to laugh at a problem than it is to spend undue energy fretting over it.  Kids are unique, but their failures are not.  Making mistakes is a part of life – everybody’s life.  Kids who believe that they are the only ones with trouble are more susceptible to feelings of depression and shame.  Learning to handle defeat is an important part of growing up.  Nobody wants to see a 40 year old crybaby or a middle-aged defeatist.

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