Don’t Compete with your Kids
By: Keith
Don’t get me wrong. Friendly competition is an educational experience. We pass our abilities to our kids by pushing them, defeating them and motivating them. Competition, in that sense, is helpful and necessary. There are, however, parents who compete with their kids as rivals. They fail to recognize their role as educators, continuing, like immature monkeys, their pursuit of social promotion by knocking off rivals. Those kinds of parents are the ones who unwittingly (or consciously) do real emotional damage to their kids. Beating your kids with sticks is obviously abuse. But, no less damaging is the parent who belittles their children’s achievements.
Symptoms of this Behavior:
When you were a kid, and you did something noteworthy, be it athletic, academic or otherwise, you never wanted your friends to beat you. Naturally, you wanted a permanent victory. If a friend wound up looking like he might be about to best you, you’d start saying things like “Well, you have better conditions than I had,” or “I was injured when I ran that time.” The truth being, of course, nothing like that; you just didn’t want to get beaten, and you wanted to explain away why this other person might be better than you. Some parents do the same thing. I knew a guy in high school, for example, who ran the 800 meters. His times kept getting better throughout the year until he finally achieved his goal of breaking the 2 minute barrier. After the race, when he made his way back into the stands, his dad said, “My best time was 1:58 in high school.” There’s no way to verify if that was a true statement, but the fact that he said it before saying good job is somewhat telling. I know another guy who’s mother keeps telling him (to this day) how he hasn’t lived up to the achievements of his family. It’s another way of reminding herself or her glory days that he wasn’t a part of. She might as well be talking to herself for a much good it does him.
Low Self Esteem:
It’s hard enough for kids to compete with kids their own age. They don’t need their parents trying to put them in their place too. Parents who engage in that sort of petty one-upmanship risk damaging their kids’ self esteem. After all, if you were continuously reminded of your inferiority, wouldn’t you maybe start to believe it after a while? It is not the same as kids taunting kids or trying to be better than each other. Kids are on equal footing with one another and should be able to stand up for themselves; at least there is no good reason why they shouldn’t. But, when parents become rivals with their kids, it’s an unfair fight. Kids can’t talk back, and they can’t fight with their parents as equals. Parents always win. The result is a kid who runs the risk of believing the hype. Maybe, they think, they really are inferior. That sort of pervasive thinking created and fostered by the unhealthy mind of a parent, can lead to lifelong problems.
The difference between success and failure is sometimes nothing more than one person’s momentary hesitation – the introduction of self doubt. It’s at that moment that they get beaten and they fail. Even momentary doubts are enough to give someone a serious handicap in life. The difference between winning and losing is so slim that it becomes the little things that make the difference. You, as a parent, should want your kids to be better than you, and your kids should not be stifled because of your own latent insecurities. I was a good runner, but I wasn’t great. I want my kids to be great. I’m good at writing, but I want my kids to be great. Isn’t that how it should be? I’ll teach my kids what I know, I’ll beat them a few thousand times at foot races, and I’ll keep beating them at monopoly until the day they beat me. Then I’ll stand back and say, “Good job, Kid. You are officially better than me. You deserve the win.”
Related posts:
How sad but true that some people (parents) withhold compliments as if it costs them something. Compliments enrich the giver as much as the receiver.
The same post could be written almost word for word for coaches.