Cheating: Women Just as Likely as Men
By: Keith
My impression about marriage is, or was, that men are the ones who ruin marriages by cheating. That’s what the movies tell us. So do Dr. Phill and other pop Psychology gurus. The assumption is that women are the victims. While men run around wrecking their marriages by being uncontrollable horn dogs. Men are lecherous and can’t be trusted – right? Actually it’s true. Men do cheat a lot. Women, however, cheat just as much, according to a report by Psychology Today magazine from February. In an experiment done on committed monogamous couples, Men reported being much more willing to cheat than women. However, when it came time to actually follow through on a date, when given a chance, women were just as likely as men to actually do it. In other words, Men seem to be all talk and little action, and women seem to be the opposite. The net result? Nobody gets a pass.
Other interesting facts:
10% of kids are being raised by men they think are their father’s but aren’t.
Women are most likely to cheat when they’re ovulating. During ovulation they become more attracted to traditionally masculine traits: muscular, socially dominant guys with strong jaw lines. Some women engage in a dual mating strategy. They settle down with the dependable, maybe nerdy guy, while seeking out a more fertile man for sex outside the relationship.
Tall women cheat more than shorter women. The reasons for this are unknown, but some scientists say it’s because tall women have more testosterone.
Men with high self esteem cheat more than men with low self esteem. Women, on the other hand, with high self esteem cheat less than women with low self esteem.
Attractive women are more likely to cheat thanks to the hormone estradiol, a fertility indicator that attractive women typically have more of.
When women read a fake news story about there being a surplus of single men in town they became less satisfied with their partners and more willing to cheat.
Who’s to Blame?
When marriages get ruined everybody involved looks for someone to blame. Cheating is easy pickings. Our society tells us that cheaters perpetrate not only a social injustice, but also a sin. Cheaters are, when discovered, automatically vilified. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not suggesting it’s right to cheat. I’m saying it’s wrong to blame the cheating and nothing else. Infidelity doesn’t have to be just of the sexual nature. Emotional issues within a marriage could create an atmosphere of infidelity completely independent of sex. I don’t, out of hand, blame the cheater. When marriages break up, there’s plenty of blame to go around. Cheaters just make easy targets and provide convenient cover for other misdeeds. Divorce is a messy process where sides line up against each other and do battle. In the heat of the fight people play dirty, and cheating is a metaphorical howitzer. It’s an automatic win unless the other side can find something bigger. Is there anything bigger than cheating in our society?
I contend that cheating is, in most cases, a biological as well as psychological impulse. Infidelity is often described as being a personality trait of morally corrupt people, and that might sometimes be true. It is also true that a good person can lose the will to remain faithful because of other circumstances. Most of us, under the right conditions, might do just the same thing. Are there people who look for excuses to cheat? Yes. Are there people who never should have been married in the first place? Yes. There are bad people looking to do bad things but who occasionally do good things, and there are good people striving to do good but who sometimes succumb to the bad. Who is the woman you married? Is she a cheater or is she someone else who just happened to cheat?
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I think some of this may have some validity, but stats like this are a dime a dozen. This week, it’s one way and next week, it’s another. The bottom line . . . if you don’t want to be faithful, don’t get married. Anything else is just dishonest.
Beth: I don’t think, generally speaking, the people who cheat didn’t want to be married in the first place. Marriage takes twists and turns and has unpredictable detours that can potentially trap any of us. Good people fail every day. I agree that cheating is a failure of one’s marriage vows. I also think there should be room for understanding and reflection as we all have exploitable weak spots. Is it the research method you disagree with or the results? I thought it was insightful to draw the distinction between actual numbers of cheats and those who would cheat given the opportunity. I was surprised by the results myself, but the research seems scientific and pretty reasonable given that most women probably don’t have as much opportunity to cheat as men (being at home, men going on business trips and such) thereby making men the ones who usually get caught in the trap.
I was the cheater. After 15 years of marriage I allowed myself to go down the path of an affair. I knew it was wrong I hated that I was doing it yet I could not bring myself to stop. I loved the idea that another man found me sexy and wanted to spend time with me. I think I was at a very low place and this other person made me feel good again. Do I regret it yes and no. I regret that I hurt my husband and caused my family to be broken. No, because I learned alot about myself good and bad that I needed to learn. it is a very complex issue and not one that can be hashed out in a few short sentences. My recomendation for anyone on the verge of cheating or already cheating is to STOP. Evaluate why you are doing it, have the tough conversation with your spouse and if necessary move on but as I learned the hard way one the gene is out of the bottle it sure is hard to put it back in.
Cheri: Thanks so much for commenting. I’m glad to have the perspective of someone who’s lived through it. I’m continually amazed at people who want to boil it all down to a black and white, right and wrong solution. It simply isn’t that easy to explain. Your conflicted nature about it is exactly the point I was trying to get across. It isn’t like you cheated for no reason at all, and you have regrets, but you also learned something along the way. Right? Wrong? Those labels don’t fit when we’re talking about something that is so deeply psychological in nature. There are consequences, yes. But, simple rights and wrongs leave us open to unjustly casting stones at others. Thanks again, Cheri.
Yes, of course, people make mistakes. We all need to be much more understanding than we are. The two issues NONE of us grow up about are food and sex. I think, however, that a lot of people think of cheating as recreation. I mean A LOT of people think this way. Like it’s fun to have a double life. Maybe it’s just what I’ve seen. Idk. I could be particularly jaded. But people often see it as a necessary evil. I would whole heartedly disagree. It rips apart innocent people whose lives are no less important than the peoples’ who are cheating. And I just don’t see the justification in that. As for the research, I only meant that I’ve read maybe half a dozen different articles on just this subject. Some in magazines that were less than reliable and some in psychology research papers, things like that. Every single one of them comes up with something different. Women more than men. Men more than women. Dissatisfaction is the main cause. No, excitement is the main cause. No, society is the main cause. It’s impossible to know from all the research! Speaking for myself, I’ve had at least three opportunities to cheat. And I’ve had the justification. I didn’t. Because it isn’t just about me.
Beth: Okay, I see where you’re coming from now, and I agree with you that there are indeed things bigger than ourselves that we have the responsibility not to break. Our families require a great deal of self sacrifice, and there are some people who see cheating as a natural part of marriage, I just see that number as less than you I suppose. I would assume that the majority of people want their marriages to work, but somehow some of them manage to screw it up. It’s sorta like fat people, right? I look at fat people and I say “What the heck is the problem? Just don’t eat, right?” Yes, I’m right that all it takes is to improves the diet. But, I’m wrong to say it’s so easy just because It easy for me to stay fit. I’ll admit that I have had issues with anger in the past. I worked it out through a lot of hard work on my part, but it was really really not easy. Other people saw me and said “jeez, just do Yoga or meditate.” And, you know what? they were totally right. That’s exactly what I do now, and that’s exactly what wound up helping. But, the process to get to that point of recognition was the part that was tough. I see what you’re saying, Beth. I actually agree with you about the responsibility part and having to think outside of ourselves for the greater good. However, to get to that eureka moment is hard for some people. We all have a cross to bear. We all have things about us that need improving. Cheating just happens to be the topic today. Thanks so much for clarifying your position, Beth. I always like to hear from you!
Interesantes los datos y las conclusiones. Desde luego que tanto hombres como mujeres son infieles o pueden llegar a serlo, aunque culturalmente la infidelidad en los hombres esté “mejor vista” que en las mujeres.
A propósito si eres de los que crees que se puede perdonar una infidelidad, te recomiendo el siguiente artículo http://blog.mobifriends.com/2010/07/infidelidad-en-la-pareja-como-superarla-para-seguir-juntos/, me ha parecido muy interesante.
Saludos a todos y felicitaciones por tus notas!
With cheating it’s not always fair to blame the one person doing it. This doesn’t mean I think it’s OK, but there are always two sides to a story and people should take time to listen to both sides of the story. It’s not always about middle-aged succesful men looking for an ego boost.
Actually, women cheat far more than men because it’s easier for women to do so but they face more legal and social consequences than men do like being sued for paternity fraud, slut-shaming, domestic violence, etc.